While watching any high school Disney channel movie, you will often see an older character with a popped collar, 14 ounces of gel in his hair and an ego the size of the entire “Jersey Shore” cast. This is the stereotypical college douchebag.
He will probably drive a foreign sports car and throw an obnoxiously big party while his parents are away. Then he will attempt – and fail – to steal the pretty, good girl away from a guy who wouldn’t dare cheat on his math test. If I have just described what you do, there is no saving you.
Just because you are unable to pay for a Mercedes doesn’t mean you are not a jerk. Money has nothing to do with it. It’s how you use what you have. If you own Ray Bans and wear them every day religiously, you are a douche. It does not matter how much you think you look like Ryan Gosling in them, no one is allowed to wear sunglasses to their 8 p.m. class.
As long as most of your outfits don’t resemble The Situation or Kanye West, you should be good. You shouldn’t have any Ed Hardy shirts in your closet. Burn them along with your cologne-dipped Abercrombie polo now.
If there are any pictures of you on social media making a duck face or flexing your arm covered in a sleeve of dragon tattoos, please remove them. You must treat the art of social networking correctly. Using your Instagram to post every food, drink and illegal substance that enters your body is also unacceptable.
Girls are not excluded from this. If you own a tiny dog and carry it around in an overly branded handbag while wearing glasses that are bigger than your face and make disgusted looks at every guy that holds the door for you, then you fall into this unfortunate category.
The time has come to stop listening to John Mayer. Delete your TiVO-recorded stand up specials of Dane Cook. Your days of wearing extra-low-cut V-necks and hitting on girls at the library are over.
Kyle Rambo is a junior majoring in education.