Dear V: I get frisky when there’s whisky…


I have a tendency to get promiscuous when I am drunk. The alcohol combined with my horniness makes me do weird and incredibly dangerous things. For example, I’ll go to a club, and after a few shots of tequila or vodka, I quench my inner-fire with some much-needed sloppy loving. But I want to stop satisfying my libido with these drunken escapades. What should I do?

Diary of a Mad, Drunk Woman


Dear Sloppy Seconds,

I see that you like to get extremely loud and incredibly close. The alcohol transforms you into a monster-like sex fiend that wants to forget about the week’s forced sex repression. You have the classic case of the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome or, what high school teens would call it, the Khloe-Kardashian-by-day and Kim-Kardashian-by-night affect.
The alcohol causes inhibition of your judgment and leads you to make some regretful choices. Thoughts and actions that you would normally repress become the first targets for an easy victim of alcohol abuse.

I agree that alcohol can be used to loosen up before hitting the town. You do not want to be that person in the group who your friends invited because they feel badly about your depressing life. Friends want the messy Facebook memories that will be mentioned long until you get married. These experiences are the ones that will make you a legend among your homies.

There is nothing wrong with partying. Everyoneeserves their fun and an opportunity to blow off some steam; but the morning after can make you feel guilty from your alcohol rampage. You might have slept with a complete loser; you may have engaged in some unsavory drugs; or you might have vandalized your neighborhood Dairy Queen for taking over the cool vintage record store.

Random hookups are enjoyable, but they’re not a joke. Your harmless makeout session with a “Jersey Shore” wash-up leads to an unforgettable disease. The hook-up with Tony the Tiger (I have met someone with this club name) was greeaattt, yet mortifying. And the embarrassing visit to the gynecologist ends with a confession about spiked whipped cream and some interesting poses.

My recommendation is to have fun, but keep the fun in moderation. You’ll eventually have to leave college and enter the real world. Reality doesn’t have room for your nonsense.