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Rambo’s College Survival Guide: How to Catfish your way to a Valentine’s date

If your last harmony date ended with you literally running away from the girl as her three hundred pound body attempted to hold you back so she wouldn’t have to pay for the three desserts she ordered (and wouldn’t share,) then maybe you need a new way of finding dates. With Valentine’s Day a week away there is only one way to do it. Lie, pretend and fake yourself into being whatever you can in order to not end up watching a marathon of Zach Efron movies this February 14th.

So forget the gym, bar scene, and stop trying to tutor/ seduce the girl in you trigonometry class, her boyfriend’s taking calculus. In this day and age the most proficient way to meet someone and let them know how much you really care about them, all in a short amount of time, is to make a fake online profile with someone way better looking that makes large amounts of money.

This sophisticated and not at all messed up technique is called Catfishing. If you are very unskilled in life or were so devastated by the cancellation of Jersey Shore that you stopped watching MTV, I will explain how to successfully pull off lying your way to a Valentine’s date.

All that needs to be done is to find someone much more good looking than yourself on a social networking site and then make a fake profile using all those gorgeous images. I know what you’re thinking, “Isn’t that plagiarizing?” Technically, yes, but lying and messing with someone’s emotional state isn’t nearly as bad as cheating on a poetry assignment.

Once the profile is up and running, add multiple fake friends to make it seem real. This process does take quite a bit of time so if you really want to be committed, the best thing to do is probably drop a class or two. Then send a simple message saying “hi” along with a winky smiley face and that should get the love kick started.

Sure when you show up to actually meet them and they find out you are not a former Miss America contestant their facial expression may look something like a victim in a scary movie. The shock from finding out that a playboy playmate didn’t seduce a random semi-attractive guy through the internet may send them into a deep depression. And who is there to help them through their excruciatingly low self-esteem? You.

If you are able to pull this off then you will probably never be alone again. Until the set of MTV comes to your house and gives you a speech about why it’s wrong while they make millions of dollars off of it. If you’re not getting any results, try this guy Mani Te’o I know. It’s a sure thing.

Kyle Rambo can’t decide on what he wants to major in so he takes out his frustration on the people that read his writing. He spends most of his time dunking Oreos in milk and watching old ’90s sitcom reruns. The only thing he likes more than complaining is his gel-filled hair.

Rambo’s College Survival Guide is a blog meant to save the student population from all the horrors that come with being a college student. As with this blog, never take life too seriously.

February 10, 2013

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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Florida. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published in print every Tuesday.