Dear V: My girlfriend’s got a fishy fetish…

V ,

My girlfriend has a fetish for having me eat food off her body, then having sex afterward. We usually use whipped cream and fruits, but lately she has wanted to get more adventurous. She wants to start playing with sushi and fish. I know it’s done at parties and some restaurants, but I don’t like the idea of eating raw meat that has been sitting on her body. How can I break it to her?

Fish Out of Water


Dear Feeding Frenzy,

I have never really been a major advocate for eating from someone’s body and then having sex. I read an article that said that our bodies are covered in dead skin cells that remain even after a shower. Why people derive pleasure from eating contaminated foods will remain a mystery to me. That’s why we have the organic foods movement. Yet, we still condone this behavior. Go figure.

But since you and your girlfriend are pros, I recommend sticking to the sweets. They are mostly made of sugar so everyone enjoys eating them. You can quickly make fancy desserts using each other’s body parts such as a banana split or a devil’s food cake. And messes are a snap with some Pine-Sol and a ShamWow kit.

Fish lends itself to some unwelcome problems, though. Salmon can enter places that can, well, harm the ecosystem of intercourse. A halibut may interfere with the much-anticipated foreplay, while the sushi rolls leave sticky rice in every body compartment. That sounds like a chore and not any fun.

Before you speak to her about this idea, consider why the two of you have to use food in the first place. Sex should be treated like the preparation of a good burger. Does a burger need extra condiments to make it better? Is a burger the same without any ketchup or a fresh sesame bun? The moral of these rhetorical questions—that hopefully don’t need to be answered—demonstrate that sex works on its own. Orgasm or not, it fulfills a basic, biological need whether food, toys, devices or grappling hooks are used.

If you insist on the food, however, then I recommend you a take a trip to your local J. Crew or Banana Republic and make sure to get your girlfriend something nice. I assume she’s that crazy-but-sexy librarian with weird fetishes. Let her down easy, maybe suggest something less adventurous first, like Jell-O.

By the way, make sure to buy sugar-free items … sex only burns so many calories.