Dear V: You know who’s looking fine tonight? My stepsister…


My dad remarried three years ago, and my stepmom has a hot daughter. I found out she is coming to UM next fall as a freshman. I don’t know what to do. Should I avoid her? Should I pretend I don’t imagine us having sex?

Love Not Actually


Stepsister Blues,

You know that uncomfortable feeling everyone gets at the end of the original “Fame” when Coco’s exploited by an ‘80s profiteer? That’s the same feeling I got when I read your question.

This is a gray area because she is not related to you by blood, but by your father’s recent marriage. There is a slight chance that you may have found her with all that love-at-first sight nonsense and lived happily-ever-after, but because she is now part of the family, there isn’t much you can really do.

If you intend to pursue this, which I discourage, then take precautions.

Disguise yourself as a hipster or a frat guy, depending on her preferences. Woo her and get the one night stand out of your system.

She won’t know that she’s slept with her stepbrother, and you’ll get to put $5 in the douchebag jar. Congrats.

Keep in mind that there are consequences. She may find out that her mystery guy never existed, and she’ll be so depressed that she will drop out, buy TiVo and wander aimlessly through Brooklyn streets with a glossy glare in her eyes. And you will forever have to live with the shameful guilt of a scandalous meeting.

This is why I recommend putting your eggs in another basket. See this as a temporary distraction until finding the next prospect.

Don’t be the creepy guy that sits in the back of her intro to sociology class just to catch momentary glimpses.

Think of her as the cousin you would never date (you have your cousins and then you have your first cousins and then you have your second cousins). Forget about her and move on to someone else.

Can you imagine the awkward Thanksgivings if you end up going through with this? Yikes!

If all else fails, that’s why the Internet has revolutionized porn. I’m sure there’s a fetish site waiting for you somewhere.

Just remember: Incest is not “win”cest.