Dear V, It’s hard because I can’t get in touch with myself…

Dear V,

I’m horny all the time, but I can never find time to take care of myself.  When I’m in my room, my roommate’s always there, and I’m not dating anyone at the moment, so I don’t have somewhere else to go.  Is there a way to tell my roommate to leave for a while without making it obvious that I just want time to masturbate? 


So Much For My Happy Ending


Dear Blue-Balled Babe,

What’s your room number?  I’ll come over, and we can put a sock on the door handle and remedy this situation.

Really, there should be no reason to be ashamed that you just want the room empty so you can touch yourself for an hour.  We’re all adults here; we all have needs.  Just tell your roommate you need some “alone time,” and hopefully this person will get the drift.  If not, just be blunt.  No one wants an awkward roommate situation because they accidentally walked in on you.

Or be sneaky and figure out exactly when your roommate’s classes are so you know when you’ve got a little me-time.  Once he or she is gone for that hour or so, make like Speedy Gonzalez with your hands and get it done fast.

You’ve also got the option of taking care of things in the shower. Don’t go while everyone’s in there (believe me, no one wants to hear your “singing”), but a shower around midnight never hurt anyone. You’ll be alone, and you won’t even have to worry about getting cleaned up!

And since you’re not dating anyone, why not look for a friend with benefits? Believe me, you are not the only one on campus with sex on the brain. Plenty of people on campus want to get their rocks off, just like you, so make nice with one of them and voila – maybe you’ll finally get to hang a sock on your doorknob. That’ll also give you a place to run off to when you’re itching for release but roomie’s not leaving.

There’s no reason to be sexually frustrated when there are endless options.  Go find your happy ending, with or without Prince Charming.