Dear V: I’m in lust with a certain columnist…

Dear Voluptuous V,

I have a crush on a crafty writer from The Miami Hurricane newspaper. They way she develops witty responses really gets my blood flowing to certain places. I feel that she is almost too mysterious to ever meet. I constantly feel the urge to share her writings with all my friends. Is there anyway you can help me rack up enough courage to talk to her?


I’m better in bed than at writing

Dear Anonymous Casanova,

Whoever said I was a girl?  Just because my name is V doesn’t mean it stands for vagina. To put it simply, you don’t even know my gender, not to mention what kind of person I am.
But it seems that by writing in, you have worked up the courage to talk to me – so congratulations on that! I enjoy someone who is bold and takes initiative.
You still won’t get to see me naked though.
There’s no way I could reveal myself. Just imagine how many people would come knocking on my door looking for a fantastically sexy evening if they knew who I was. And then you’d have competition – lots of it.
If you’re turning to a mysterious coulmnist to thrill you, then perhaps there is a bigger issue at hand. Maybe you should look around campus for non-anonymous girls who’ll serve your wit all day (and all night) long.  We’re at a top 50 university, I’m sure you can find some beautiful, intelligent, funny girls around here somewhere. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there in the real world.
So, sorry mysterious suitor, but I’m simply not allowed to reveal my identity lest I lose my job and you lose your favorite writer.  I’m like a super sexy secret agent, so have fun with that fantasy and go off to find a girl who will actually introduce herself to you.

Flattery will get you nowhere,