Dear V: I want to get my way with extracurricular persuasion…

Dear V, 

I’m a total idiot. I completely forgot that I had to do this assignment, and I don’t know what to do. I screwed up. Really bad. It was worth like half of my grade. And now I don’t think my professor is going to accept it. My friend and I are always joking that he and I flirt during class, and that I should try to flirt my way out of it. Any suggestions?


Profess my love


Dear Prostituting for a Grade,

No. No. No. No. No. NO! Are you serious? This sounds like the worst idea ever.

OK, maybe not the worst idea ever, but still pretty bad. I mean, you start flirting out of a late assignment and the next thing you know you’ll be bruising your knees for the final. You’ll get yourself in trouble in every sense of the word and no late assignment is worth it.

In fact, what will probably happen is that you’ll try to start poorly flirting, he’ll catch on, realize what you’re doing, and not only will you have a bad grade, but you’ll find yourself with some university discipline issues.

Did you ever just consider being … oh, I don’t know, honest? Maybe just tell him straight up what happened. You were still slightly feeling the effects of the drugs you took at Ultra and you completely blanked about what you had to turn in.

He might be impressed and commend you for your honesty and be willing to take it late. Or just laugh at you and give you the failing grade you deserve.

In all seriousness, flirting with the professor isn’t the way to a good grade. Flirting with all of the smart kids in the class to convince them to let you have a copy of their notes and teach you all of the material two hours before the test is.

I’m sure he has a late policy for classwork. And if he doesn’t, book an after-hours appointment in his office to convince him to. Or is that exactly what I’ve been preaching against this whole time?

You’re supposed to flirt your way to the top of the job market, not the class. Your flirting skills should be put to better use, like on potential job employers after graduation or a rich man who has enough money to take care of you for the rest of your life.


Now go flirt with your English assignment that’s due tomorrow!