Dear V: I forgot to wrap it before using it…

Dear V,

I know you can be a bit harsh sometimes, so please don’t rag on me too bad for this one. I just honestly need advice and am too embarrassed to say anything to anyone else. I received oral sex from someone about a week and a half ago, and now the head of my penis is inflamed, it hurts to piss and I have what I guess you could call a thick fluid. I know it’s probably an STD, but I didn’t think you could get one from oral sex. Just how do I make it go away?

Embarrassed to Get Tested


Dear Go Get Your Decks Swabbed,

You have an STD. There is no probably, no doubt about it. More specifically, you may have gonorrhea or chlamydia. And you need to man up, grow a pair and walk your infected ass to the Health Center. NOW! Yes, I’m here to give advice, but I’m also here to call people’s shit when they’re being just plain stupid. So while I know that I can be a bit harsh sometimes, people like you deserve to be ragged on. Get over it. If you’re mature enough to have someone pleasuring you, you better be mature enough to admit to yourself and a doctor when you’ve caught something.

You can catch an STD from receiving oral sex. There’s a reason they make chocolate-covered-strawberry-flavored condoms. Not that I would know from experience or anything. The only way to be 100 percent safe is to not have sex. But when you do, protect your family jewels! Wear a condom. For now, you need to go get treated or there can be long-term effects.

Indulge me for a quick second and let’s think through the logic of why you wouldn’t go into the Health Center and get this treated. It only takes a quick swab of your urethra (read as “they’re going to put a cotton swab down your pee hole”) to verify what you have and an even quicker dose of antibiotics to get rid of the disgusting discharge that you’re currently leaking everywhere. Until you go in, no person in their right mind is going to put their mouth within miles of your infected dick. That means no more sexy time for you.

If you do swallow your pride, you can get yourself clean, and there might still be hope for your sex life. There’s nothing to be ashamed of by going in for a regular sexual health check. I do it often. My motto is that it’s better to be known as someone who cares about being clean than the person who becomes known as “the one that gave me the Clap.”

Finally, please educate yourself! If you didn’t know that you can get something from unprotected oral sex, you should probably look into what you can get from unprotected vaginal and anal sex. Remember: You still need to wrap it up before you put it inside anything. And that includes apple pies.

Now stop your whining already!