Dear V,
I’m not sure if what I’m doing is completely wrong or completely warranted. My best friend and his girlfriend have been dating for about three years. But for about the past five or six months, she and I have been hooking up, and he doesn’t know about it. It all started when she came onto me at a party we all went to; my best friend had passed out. It’s become a semi-regular thing. Their relationship hasn’t been strong for a while now, so I’m not sure if that makes it all right. But she doesn’t really give me a choice; she’s so aggressive. Should I stop?
An Innocent Bystander
Dear Marcus Brutus,
Congratulations, asshole! You win this year’s “Worst Best Friend of the Year” award!
Are you for real? What possesses you to think that this might be even remotely acceptable? It’s not like I don’t believe in free expression of sexuality, but this is just one of those no-nos.
Let me tell you what is going to happen if you continue down this slimy path of being a sleaze ball. Your so-called best friend is going to end up dumping his girlfriend, she’ll blame you for it, and you’ll end up friendless and left with only your hand to fend for yourself. You’re treading in very dangerous waters, mister. The “Tiger Woods getting chased down the street with a golf club” kind of waters.
There’s probably a reason that their relationship hasn’t been going very well for the past six months. And my guess is that your little sexcapades just coincidentally started around the same time. Am I right? Of course, I am. Get ready for the relationship to become even better once this all surfaces; a guy loves finding out that his bromance has actually been an affair with his girlfriend.
Maybe I’m being a bit prude, though. If you’ve been getting away with it for this long, it’s quite possible he may never find out. Just make sure you dry clean the green dress after visiting the oral office.
Perhaps the easiest thing would be a discussion of a more open relationship. Or make things even simpler and just do it as a trio. It’s not gay if it’s in a three-way, right?
I’m still trying to figure out just how aggressive this girlfriend could possibly be that you feel like you don’t have a choice. I’m imagining leather and a whip. Dungeons and chains. And if that really is the case, you’re in for a-whole-nother world of trouble. That’s a completely different Dear V, and they don’t pay me in enough boysenberry flavored condoms to tackle that one as well.
What’s the safe word again?
V
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