Dear V,
I’m in a really awkward situation. I share an apartment off campus with another female. Lately, whenever I come home, I find her and her boyfriend having sex. It wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t right there on the couch when I walked in. I mean, she kind of knows my schedule, so it’s almost like they get off on the fact that I might walk in and catch them in the act. What do I do?
An Unwilling Peeping Tom
Dear Not-So-Unexpected Visitor,
Sounds like you’re being given an open invitation to join. Or at least to watch. Here’s my advice, pop a bag of popcorn, pour it into a bowl, and sit back, relax, and enjoy the show!
Do you have any idea what I would give to have free live porn in front of me every day when I come home?
People spend billions of dollars online every year to watch copulating couples. I see no reason for you to be complaining when it’s free for you in person.
Next time you have a long day of classes, you have something to come home and rub one out to. Sounds like my ideal living situation.
Or maybe I’m looking at this all wrong. Maybe you should be joining in. Sex between only two people is so last century.
I’m not saying you should go all Joseph Smith or Brigham Young on me and become Mormon, but live a little. You’re only in college once.
If it really bothers you, talk to her about it. Maybe you two could work out some sort of situation where you invest in one of those sofa condoms from our grandparents’ days.
You know, the clear plastic covers that make you wonder what kind of crazy things they were up to together? Did they think the sofa might get pregnant if they weren’t careful?
Last thing anyone needs is to be on “Teen Mom” because they were impregnated by a sofa.
But seriously, watch, join or just say something. Maybe your roommate is freaked out about it too, but doesn’t know what to say either. Or maybe she thinks you enjoy it.
Three isn’t a crowd; it’s just a more crowded bed,
V
Have a question for V? Hit up DearV@themiamihurricane.com.