V's Take

Dear V: I’m not a cradle robber, just a tomb thief…

Dear V,

I’ve been hanging out a lot lately with some older guys. And I do mean older. I think I may be falling for one, but I’m worried about the age difference. While I know that love knows no age, I still wonder how old is too old?

Signed,

Not Just Into It For The Money

 

Dear Likes ‘Em Wrinkly,

How old are we talking here? Old? Or old old? I feel like I need to set a few ground rules here so that everyone is on the same page about this. While everyone knows that I’m an equal-opportunity lover, the last thing V needs is grandpa throwing out his hip while we’re doing the spread eagle.

If he’s old enough to be your father, no. If he’s old enough to be your grandfather, no. If he’s old enough to be your great grandfather, no. If he’s old enough to be your great great grandfather, take a lesson from the Anna Nicole Smith playbook and hope he kicks it soon.

I know you said that you’re not just into it for the money, but I didn’t hear a full denial and so I’m going to assume that it’s at least part of why you’re talking to this guy. Why else would you be willing to learn more about Cialis than any college student should ever have to know? What you’re really thinking about is how you can get rich out of this. Momma didn’t raise no fool. V knows what you’re thinking, and V approves. Does he have a lot of money? Is he planning on writing you into his will any time soon?

Now that we’ve answered whether or not you’re going to be financially benefiting from this, you need to weigh whether or not you’re willing to be intimate with your new-found sugar daddy. Let’s face it, getting it on with gramps can be hard. Or should I say soft? Don’t be surprised if he uses a walker to hold himself up while you’re going at it. And be ready to be told how “swell” you are in bed, to get on your “bee’s knees,” and asked to hear your “cat’s meow.”

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have any experience with the older generation, and let me tell you, there are a few perks. Namely that old people are absolute freaks in the sack. Ask grandpa to show you how the term “greaser” came about, and you’ll be in for a night full of pleasure. I couldn’t make this crap up.

Finally, I know you brought up “love,” so let me just quickly address it. Love is real. It can be unexpected, strange, sticky, and even sometimes wrinkly. But just go for it! You’ll always have me to answer your questions during the next few months before your new lover kicks the bucket.

Good luck keeping it up!

 

V

February 8, 2012

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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Florida. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published in print every Tuesday.