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Dear V: My girlfriend gets off at a gentlemen’s club…

V,
My girlfriend loves strip clubs. She isn’t a stripper herself, but at least two or three times a month we go to Cheetah’s and she has more fun than I do. She’ll get me and all of my guy friends wrangled up and it’s almost like she’s manipulating her way into this gentlemen’s club whenever she can. She gets lap dances, buys me lap dances, etc., and she claims she’s doing it “ironically” but I’m beginning to have my suspicions. You may think this is one of those dream scenarios for a guy but it’s really off-putting and I’m wondering if she likes the strippers more than she likes me, if you get my drift.

I think my girl’s playing for the other team

Dear Lou Diamond Philips,

Remember when you were married to Julie Cypher back in the ‘90s and she left you for Melissa Etheridge? This could possibly be another one of those nightmare scenarios for you, and I think it’s high time you start doing a little detective work. First of all, if she goes to Cheetah’s and gets a lap dance from the same girl every time, and buys you lap dances whenever she’s getting her freak on, then I’d say your girl is either a switch hitter or a full-on “lesby,” (get it, like “lefty” but with a homoerotic baseball pun?). You need to start paying attention to these things or soon you’ll be out of the pitching rotation (man, I’m on a roll).
Maybe we’re both wrong, maybe she has a weird sense of humor, or maybe she likes being grinded … ground, whatever the past participle is, by girls. You know how sometimes you go to a party and there are two wasted dudes and one starts humping the other one as a joke? It could be something like that, although what I mentioned doesn’t cost any money.  Either way, you should probably confront her about this, but leave the lesbian accusations out of it. Just let her know that you’d rather do something other than pay for fake sex with someone you don’t know; maybe if you put a romantic spin on it you’ll win her over.
Whatever it is, I agree that a girl who has a boyfriend and visits strip clubs with him more than once a decade is a bit odd. You could be making a mountain out of a mole-hill, but to me being “ironic” is wearing a Member’s Only jacket and smoking Lucky Strikes, not visiting same-sex strip clubs three times a month. I wish you the best of luck man, hopefully everything works out for both of you. If it doesn’t, at least you know where to get a good lap dance.

If you walk across a fire and go to her window she might fall in love with you again,

V

Have a question for V? Hit up DearV@themiamihurricane.com.

February 1, 2012

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