Dear V: Free love doesn’t mean free sleep…

V ,

My roommate loves bringing home different guys – and whatever, that doesn’t bother me. Great for her. But here’s the problem: The walls in our house are super thin. And she is so loud, to the point where I can’t sleep and it’s starting to really piss me off. I’ve even tried to sleep with headphones but it just doesn’t work. How do I bring this up to her without being awkward or insulting her?

Severely Sleep Deprived


Dear Sandman‘s Shit List,

It’s always annoying when you’re trying to get a good night’s sleep only to be kept awake all night by the sounds of two hee-hawing donkeys rutting in the room next door, but of course we all understand that this is the price you sometimes pay when living with someone who is young, single and free-spirited. At least thank your lucky stars that you don’t live in a dorm room, then you would have to watch them do it, as many of my constituents on campus tell me they’ve had to bear such an unfortunate witness.

As I can see, you’ve been trying to prevent yourself from playing the “hater” card, and that’s what you should do if these episodes are only intermittent, but when she can’t even keep her legs closed long enough to put on a pair of jeans, it’s time to have a talk.

Let me warn you in advance that no matter what, “the talk” is going to be awkward. After all, you’re reminding her of her incessant promiscuity and shrieks of pleasure so loud they would impress an alphorn player. Try not to be too bold, but this is one of those instances that you can’t beat around the bush (because several guys already have).

Just approach her and say, as professionally as you can, “Your sex life is causing me to lose sleep.” Remind her that it’s her life, and if she wants to have sex with any tick that latches on to her it’s ultimately her decision, but you have a right to sleep in relative peace. Tell her that you’ve tried to solve this problem on your own, but to no avail. Be sure you’re pleasant and avoid any bickering or finger-pointing; the last thing you want to do is encourage her to continue her yodeling sessions.

If she doesn’t want to be a good sport, then I would suggest bringing a friend of your own over to ruin her slumber. You don’t even have to really have sex if you don’t want to, just pretend you are (see “When Harry Met Sally” for inspiration).

If her mornings are always easy (like her nights apparently are), try doing it while she’s trying to study or read during the day. Hopefully it doesn’t come to this point, but sometimes you really do have to fight fire with fire. If none of this works, just get some of that medicine with Abe Lincoln, the Diver and the talking Beaver in the commercials (the Beaver that can talk without Mel Gibson’s help).

Oh and umm…sorry you didn’t get any sleep last Saturday,


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