Dear V: Time to max out your V-card…

Dear V,

My time in Miami is almost up. I graduate soon and, despite a few female friends in the past, I am still a virgin. Part of it has been by choice, but lately it’s simply been futility. The burden of my V-Card has gone from a noble cause to a liability. I feel that as I enter the adult world, my lack of experience will make forming serious relationships very difficult. I have no intention of doing anything drastic to relieve myself, but I wonder if doing the deed ASAP would be in my best interest? While 40 is still a ways off, I can’t help but think it will only get more difficult outside of college. What do you recommend?

Steve Carell Jr.


Dear “Star Trek” Enthusiast,

I understand with all of the time you’ve spent looking for original “Star Wars” action figures, the hours each day devoted to learning the language of the Klingons and all of those exciting raids you go on in World of Warcraft, there just isn’t any time for real life adventures such as sex. For just a moment, lay your trusty Dungeons and Dragons cards on the Middle Earth and listen to the wise words of Dumbledore.

All kidding aside (unless what I’ve said is actually true, in which case you need to stop being a “Toys R Us kid”), being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of, and whether you remain this way because you have the charm of a blobfish or you’ve done this by choice, I’ll do my best to offer my aid.

Being a virgin, any man can recall, is an unmatched internal struggle, but there is some nobility in being a virgin. First of all, you’ve proven to have an extraordinary amount of self-discipline, and to the ladies, that you’re not just some stray cat looking to rut with anything in its path. In fact, many girls will find your virginity endearing, and the aggressive ones might even engage in a battle for your purity. Remember that women also have a primal side to them and occasionally do enjoy being the hunter.

As far as your “best interest,” I hate to sound cliche, but only you know what your best interests are in this case. Remember that the “40-Year-Old Virgin” is a movie and, while there are certainly men who are 40-year-old virgins, they tend to be the exception to the rule. At some point you’ll meet a girl, and you’ll either have sex with her because you were getting your rocks off or because you really care about her. Either way, let your V-Card lose itself, sex is unique in that it’s one of the few things where the harder you try, the more likely you are to fail. As George Strait says, “It just comes natural.”

If you call the Escort Service, I recommend Coco,