Dear V: Two is company, three is a crowd…

Dear V,

My friend and I have known each other since elementary school. We stayed friends all throughout high school and became closer in college and I considered her one of my closest friends. This past summer, however, things between us got awkward. As soon as our friend came down from college, I was cut out of the picture completely (well, completely does seem a smidge harsh, but being a girl, little things tend to piss me off). She wouldn’t include me in any plans they made and never even cared to inform me of some major things that happened to her that summer (I know she isn’t obliged to tell me anything but still I mean if you consider someone “one of your best friends,” there are certain things you tell them). You should know that I am a very emotional person and when someone hurts me, it isn’t easy for me to forgive him or her. Now that the semester has begun, and our friend left, she wants to hang out all the time. Excuse the terminology, but am I a back-up friend? No, no, no. I am not to be placed in that position. I don’t want to lose her as a friend, but I don’t appreciate the way I was treated/ignored this past break. What should I do?


Dear World Taekwondo Federation,

There are a few immutable truths in this life. These truths are generally not well received by the individuals they impact, but nonetheless they exist and must be accepted in order to continue living a healthy life. These truths include, but are not limited to: the fact that death is imminent, that the good die young, that California has elected two Hollywood actors as governors and sometimes friendships don’t last forever.

I know when you were a little girl, you used to watch uplifting Disney movies and other anesthetizing childhood propaganda, teaching you life lessons that don’t coincide with reality, but once you become an adult, it becomes time to call “bullshit” and start integrating yourself into a society that isn’t the product of a frozen anti-Semite. I’m not saying that lifelong friendships never happen, they certainly do, but more often that not, as you and your friends become older, you grow further apart, and sometimes the reasons for this are as ambiguous as the final scene of “The Sopranos.”

I can’t profess to have a complete understanding of your situation, but from what you’ve told me, between you and her other friend, it appears the friend is the golden goose and you are the polished turd. I’ve actually experienced this myself, this gradual disconnect from somebody you once considered very close, I let it go, and now, I don’t even talk to the person anymore – you should try to avoid that. What you should do is sit down with your friend, and figure out exactly why you were given the “Rob Schneider treatment” (which means, despite your tireless efforts, nobody is paying any attention to you). Tell her to be honest, and don’t get whiny or pissy if it’s due to some personality flaw that you refuse to acknowledge you have. Take a look at yourself in the mirror and ask, “Why wouldn’t somebody want to hang out with me?” Seriously, be a self-critic because it might be YOU. If when you do ask her, she waffles and continuously makes idiotic, lame excuses, then it’s obviously because you aren’t “cool” enough for her. In that case, you should tell everyone on campus she has herpes. Things like, “Well, SHE called ME and I wasn’t sure if she wanted you to come along,” or, “Well, my mom said I could only have one friend over,” are both classified as dumbass, 13-year-old excuses that adults don’t legitimately use. Also, if she tries to blame it on the other girl, don’t take that shit. Even if that is true, if she were a real friend she would have had your back.

Remember, when life gives you lemons, squirt the juice in her eye and call her a slut,