V's Take

Dear V: I’ve got more than spirit on these fingers…

Dear V,

A couple weeks ago I had I guess what you call an “encounter” with a stripper.  To be more specific, my buddies had a stripper over at their apartment and we all got pretty into it, especially with all the booze.  I went to put a dollar in the lovely lady’s g-string and fingers went places they probably weren’t supposed to go.  Before I could even realize what actually happened (I was pretty intoxicated), the stripper started getting really into it and went nuts.  It’s whatever I suppose; I washed my hands about ten times and moved on.  The only thing is now my friends will not let it go; no matter what.  They always bring it up to people even when they don’t even know the person.  It’s cool to shoot the shit with my boys but I don’t want outsiders to hear this story and get the wrong impression of me.  What can I do to get them to filter themselves around other people?

Sincerely,

Finished Being Mr. Fingers

Dear Fingers,

Sorry to be a bitch, but please let me take this time to find the humor in your situation. (HAHAHAHAHA….) I’ve had some interesting encounters with both male and female strippers, and I definitely have some good stories from a variety of good nights but I think your story is pretty high up there on the list of hilariousness. I can’t offer too much advice as to getting your friends to stop bringing it up. It’s too good and too amazingly awesome for a bunch of guys to not talk about it on the regular. Look at it this way, one of the main reasons for their incessant teasing is because you got in a stripper’s pants and they didn’t. Think about it, guys love to tell stories about the multitude of girls they get down with. Not many can gloat about diddling a stripper, in public, where she initiated the desire and then proceeded to get off in front of everyone. Not to blow up your head but you’re the closest thing that your friends have to a real-life hero at this point in time. So let them make you their king.

As far as talking about your epic night in front of others, especially girls, it’s perfectly understandable why you are more than ready to abdicate your throne. If you have tried to talk to them about keeping your indiscretions discreet, then it’s you turn to play dirty for a little bit. I’m not fostering you telling random strangers their darkest secrets but next time your finger activities are mentioned, bring up how Johnny loves to masturbate to Celine Dion music. Homies will shut it pretty quickly. Good luck with your future endeavors. Stay away from intimate situations with strippers, best personal advice I can give you.

With love,

V

April 17, 2011

Reporters

The Miami Hurricane

Student newspaper at the University of Miami


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

Three of four University of Miami scholarship quarterbacks were suspended at various times this seas ...

While the University of Miami offense has struggled mightily this season, its defense has been stell ...

The Pittsburgh Panthers boast one of the best rushing offenses in the country. On Saturday, the Miam ...

After watching several juniors turn pro and then go late in the draft or not at all in recent years, ...

A six-pack of Canes notes on a Monday: ▪ If you ever wondered what the Hurricanes would look like if ...

Erin Kobetz, director of Sylvester Comprehensive Cancer Center’s Firefighter Cancer Initiative, disc ...

Kristiana Yao, who graduated summa cum laude in May, said she was “still in shock” after finding out ...

UM Libraries is presenting an extraordinary exhibit that immerses the audience in an emotional journ ...

A UM researcher is helping to lead a study on how smoke interacts with clouds and its impact on the ...

People are bombarded with news and information these days, providing opportunities for discourse tha ...

The Miami women's basketball team jumped two spots to No. 22 nationally in the first in-season ...

The Canes got back to their winning ways with an impressive 38-14 victory at Virginia Tech. ...

The No. 24 Miami women's basketball team dropped a 75-52 decision Sunday at Iowa State in the P ...

20-point performances from Chris Lykes and DJ Vasiljevic led Miami past Bethune-Cookman. ...

The University of Miami volleyball team forced No. 10 Pitt to five sets in a thrilling match on Seni ...

TMH Twitter
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.