Dear V: You’re turning me on

Dear V,

Every time you respond to a question I get all heated inside. It’s just that most of your questions and answers are so sexual in nature. What do I do?


Hot and Bothered

Dear Hot and Bothered,

You are making me blush, hardcore. Damn boy or girl (who knows)! I mean, I know I deliver the goods and all, but I had no idea I would have such a strong effect on my readers. Makes me feel like Lil’ Momma still gots it!

It’s interesting that you have these issues, especially since none of my responses have been directed at you. I mean, unless you have written to me in the past. Maybe you just have an overactive sex drive. It happens. If you’ve got a girlfriend/boyfriend, I would love to personally tell them congratulations and shake their hand. And I’m just saying, if you are flying solo, it might be a wise idea to make it well-known you wrote this to me. Girls, boys, hell I mean both, would probably flock after an individual with such sexual prowess as yourself.

Or, which I hope not for your sake, you could resemble the fellas from The Lonely Island in their little ditty I like to refer to as “J*#z in My Pants.” I don’t think I need to say much more. If you haven’t heard the song before, YouTube it. If nothing else, you will laugh, that is unless you realize you have a wee bit of a problem.

You need to find an outlet for this energy. Maybe you just have too much “stamina” in general and need to pick up a hobby. Ever tried running? Try eight miles and then see if I still do it for ya. If so, we may have a bigger problem than originally anticipated.  There is no shame in pleasing yourself.

From there I can’t really tell you what to do. Like I’ve emphasized before, only you know what you like. Grab a magazine, flip on that computer, turn on that TV. Get it done. Just please don’t grab my article. Eww. Don’t want visions of my articles becoming replacement for an instance where a perfectly good box of tissues would suffice.

Bottom line: find yourself something real and tangible, cuz honey, it’s not going to be me. I know, I know it’s going to be hard. It’s obvious I didn’t get this job based solely on my writing skills. But with all the love and respect in the world, snap out of it!  XOXO.

With love,


Have a question for V? Hit up