V's Take

Dear V: I’m caught in between indoor and outdoor plumbing…

Dear V,

I’m in a very complicated situation. I am married but am still friends with my ex-girlfriend. My husband and I recently had a really bad fight, which resulted in him ending our relationship. A separation, I guess, since we’re married; it’s not just merely a break-up. But he told me I was single and could do as I please. That night I ended up making out with my ex, and it was extremely nice. It seems that we have feelings for each other, and I have feelings for both her and my husband.

What do I do?

Sincerely,
Too Much Love

Dear Too Much,

There is right, and there is wrong.  And then there is this nasty little gray area, in which we know what we’re doing isn’t technically “wrong,” but it sure doesn’t feel right either. Unfortunately, we fall into this area way too often.

Sure. Your husband told you to “do as you please,” and you did. But you are still married, so now you are conflicted.

I don’t know what this fight was about, but I will have to take your word that it was bad enough (according to your husband) to transcend the “for better or worse” clause of your wedding vows. While I can’t tell you how to handle things with your husband, I’d suggest trying to save your marriage before leaving it.

Is your husband willing to try taking on your conflicts in couples therapy? Are you?

But until you reach any resolution, do not complicate your already-derailed love life by acquiring new (or old) lovers. What you are experiencing with your husband is stressful and taxing on every aspect of your life. You need to take care of yourself. You don’t need the extra confusion and emotional entanglements.

Best of luck!

V

November 9, 2009

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V

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