Dear V,
I’m 21 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I hadn’t even ever kissed anybody until six months ago when I got fed up and asked some guy at work to make out with me just so I could see what it was like before I died. Then, this past summer I met an amazing guy who was everything I could have wanted, except obviously not, because I came back to Miami and now he’s 2,000 miles away and not my boyfriend. I go to parties every weekend, know everyone in my classes (pretty much the same people every semester anyway), and am very social, and I get a lot of guys telling me that they like me, but I have not found one guy here who I am interested in. I have, in the past, gone on dates with some of these guys who liked me who I didn’t like at first, just to give them a chance, but the only thing that has ended up happening is that they liked me more, I liked them less, and then I get pseudo-stalked for a few months. Look, I’m not necessarily trying to find someone who’s brilliant, hot, speaks four languages, cooks, appreciates art, plays piano, has traveled around the world, is getting his PhD, knows how to have a good time, and is rich (like the last guy…) but I don’t know where I’m supposed to find a guy who’s even somewhat mentally, visually, and otherwise stimulating. I’ve thought about joining random clubs that I’m not already in as an attempt to meet more people, but what good would it to be to join a club I don’t like, just to find someone who is into something that I’m not into at all?
Any advice?
It sounds to me like a lack of game is not your issue. And your self-esteem seems to be in check. But you do present some pretty specific details when it comes to the kind of guy that you’re “not necessarily trying to find.”
It is often said that when you’re ready to start exploring your sexuality, you’ll know. I find some truth in this statement. In fact, it appears that you are ready. Yet, the fact that you feel that 21 is too old to just be getting started has you a little nervous. You might be worried about having waited so long, only to experience your firsts with someone who wasn’t truly worth it. And I bet this has really caused you to set some high standards.
Nobody is perfect. I think you’ve proven to yourself that finding reasons not to do something seems a lot easier than getting your hands dirty, taking a risk, and trying new things.
While it is good to have standards (i.e. treats you with respect, makes you smile, et. cetera), replacing high-strung specifics like “speaks four languages” with an open mind might leave you pleasantly surprised.
Relax. There is no need to be on the prowl for Mr. Perfect. After all, you’re only 21.
Best of luck!
V