Dear V,
I have a textually active relationship with an older guy, but face to face he acts like a pre-pubescent teen. He’s not seeing anyone else, and hasn’t had a girlfriend the six years I’ve known him. He’s super funny, has a great job, smokin‘ bod, but close to age expiration. When will he quit his bachelor ways?? I’m starting to think he may just be asexual…
Frustrated (and hopelessly crushing),
Lost in Lust
Dear Lost,
Your issue brings to light two excruciatingly common mistakes that women in college make when it comes to men: 1. Believing that the guy they have is the guy they have to stick with. And 2. Looking at guys as projects.
Let’s discuss mistake number one. I understand that the text message exchange keeps you hot and bothered, but is it worth being just plain bothered when it comes to his impish behavior?
You have already identified that this “bachelor” is too immature for you, yet have expressed no desire to end things. Is this dude your future husband? Seriously. While you can point out his good qualities, it seems that his one bad quality really has you put off. Remaining under the impression that you have to stick with this guy has you failing to see the larger picture.
Think of it this way: if you saw a dress that you loved in a store that had a big stain on it, would you buy it? They call them “deal breakers” for a reason!
Moving on to the second mistake—men are not like houses! All too often do I see young women attempt to treat their sleazy significant others like fixer-uppers. The only thing I can say is that this is simply untrue. He is who he is, and he is completely content with it. If he wants to act like a “pre-pubescent teen,” as you put it, it is out of your control.
Perhaps he will want to settle down when the time is right for him. But mind you, life is not a chick flick. He probably will not come running toward you in the rain shouting, “I’ve changed, baby!” Rather, if you choose to wait out this phase indefinitely, a rocky romance full of unnecessary stress lies ahead.
My advice is to move on. A girl will have many crushes in her lifetime. Get over this one. There will be others, who hopefully possess the more manly qualities that you know you deserve.
Best of luck!
V