V's Take

Dear V: My long-distance boyfriend won’t make the most of our short time together

Dear V,

I am in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend, who goes to school in Massachusetts, and we intend to get married after college. We fly to see each other every few weeks, and our relationship is almost picture perfect. He is sweet, loving, understanding, supportive, sexy and funny, but he has one problem. If it were up to him, we wouldn’t have sex at all. He says that sex is completely unimportant and he prefers to show his love to me in other ways. While I appreciate this and it’s great, I want him to understand that since I only get to see him about once a month, I want our time together to have a bit more of the physical affection I can’t get normally (because it is great when we actually do do it).

Yours truly,
-Starved for [Physical] Affection

Dear Starved,

Clearly you place value on sex in your relationship. Clearly he does not. Clearly you are unhappy. So clearly, things are not “picture perfect.”

I could go on about how sex is an important part of a relationship and how everyone has their naughty little desires, but I need not state the obvious. You are not getting what you want out of this relationship, so I wonder why you would consider committing to it for life.

If a guy does not want to have sex, it usually means that something is wrong. It could be for any number of reasons: self-consciousness, post-traumatic stress, or he’s just plain not that into you. Remember that if he’s not getting his jollies with you, he very well might be getting them elsewhere.

It is wonderful that you have found such a wonderful companion within your beau. But if you just wanted a buddy, you could have just gotten a dog. This issue needs to be addressed. You could not have worded the last couple of sentences of your question any better: succinct without being mean or pushy. This is what you should tell him.

If he is as caring as you say he is, he will listen to what you have to say and provide an input of his own. On the other hand, if he gets defensive or refuses to participate in the discussion, THIS IS A BAD SIGN.

Everyone deserves satisfaction from his or her significant other. You and your boyfriend are not excluded. If you are seriously planning to spend your life with a guy who will not satisfy you in the sack, neither of you will be satisfied in life. Lack of sex in a marriage can lead to resentment, which can lead to stress, which can lead to some serious health problems.

Consider these words of wisdom while you reconsider your relationship with your future hubby.

Best of luck!
V

I hope that everyone has an excellent summer. Don’t forget to wear your three most important garments: swimsuit, flip-flops, and protection! I look forward to addressing your intimate issues in the fall!

April 29, 2009

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


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