Dear V: How can I deal with a girl who can’t deal with my uneven look?

Dear V,

I recently started dating a girl on my floor. Last week we had sex for the first time, and just as things were getting good she stopped when she noticed that I am lacking in a certain department down there. The problem is I have only one testicle due to an accident when I was 5, and she says it’s a major turn-off for her. Is there anything I can do to get her to stop focusing on it so we can move past it and enjoy our relationship?

Cycloptically Yours,
The One-Balled Bandit

Dear Bandit,

You can’t talk about one testicle without mentioning Lance Armstrong. Mind you, Mr. Armstrong managed to win the Tour de France seven times in a row. He also accumulated quite the dating track record, which included (but was certainly not limited to) Sheryl Crow, Kate Hudson and an Olsen twin – all with one testicle.

So before you get down on yourself for “lacking” something, think again. There are plenty of men who rise to greatness, despite their asymmetry.

You do raise an intriguing question: are penises like presents? A woman should still be able to enjoy the gift, despite what the appearance of the package, right? There is nothing wrong with a lopsided bow if it is going to be untied anyways.

All guys have different setups down there. There are big ones, small ones, thick ones, thin ones, circumcised, uncircumcised, little moles, kinks, birthmarks – I could go on forever. What I am trying to say is that there is almost always something that a guy may or may not like about his junk, and women might have their own preferences and hangups as well.

While I’m not here to judge, your lady friend does not sound like the pick of the litter. It is a pretty deplorable thing to insult a man’s package – practically verbal castration! Although I understand why she might have been taken aback. She saw something down there that she was not expecting, so a little bit of preparation could have been beneficial.

You could still explain the accident and tell her, “I just wanted to let you know in case you’ve never seen a guy with one before.” But there is no need to have a serious discussion. You could even get a little chuckle out of it. Perhaps, “Trust me – I’d be too dangerous with two.” Cheesy line, but silly nonetheless.

However, if you are still feeling bashful, you might be able to benefit from reconstructive surgery. Thousands of men have opted for this procedure, in which a soft, saline-filled implant is inserted in place of a missing testicle. It takes about 30 minutes, and might be covered by your health insurance. This might help you build up your confidence. Plus, I’ve heard women talking about how they can’t even tell the difference between a real testicle and an implant!

Best of luck!