V's Take

Dear V: How to reach the finish line with distracted boyfriend

Dear V,

My boyfriend has OCD and has a major problem with touching me “down there.” He says it’s gross and he just can’t deal with it. But not only have we had sex, but I’ve done other things to him that he would never do for me. The sex is good but it doesn’t last very long, and I always find myself close but never actually getting there – if you know what I mean. As soon as he gets there he has to stop and he falls asleep pretty quickly after. If he would do a little foreplay or something I would probably end up getting there during sex, but as I said before, he just won’t. I really love him and I know he loves me. He says he just wants to spend time with me, but that’s difficult for me to take when he’s always satisfied and I’m so frustrated! I have tried talking to him about it numerous times, but I end up feeling really bad because he gets so upset. Do you have any advice?


Never underestimate the power of sex in a relationship. Sex is not just a wonderful workout and a way to feel all warm and tingly inside, it is a one-of-a-kind stress reliever. And you, my dear, are stressed!

In fact, when one partner gets to show their “O” face on a regular basis while the other is left overworked and undersexed, the latter will often begin to show some serious resentment toward the former. This could lead to some major fights and ultimately ruin this loving rapport you say that you have established with your germaphobic guy.

Your physical needs are just as important as his, so they should not be ignored. At the same time, keep in mind that telling a dude that he’s not worthy of making your toes curl is about as close as you can get to castration. My advice to you is to take initiative and stand up for yourself, but tread softly (I can’t stress that last part enough).

Point out that there is nothing “gross” about being in a monogamous relationship. The two of you should both be honest about your sexual history, in case either of you are at risk of having any kind of sexually transmitted disease. If it takes getting tested at the Health Center for him to achieve that peace of mind, then I urge both of you to do it. You should also ask him if there is anything new he’d like to try in bed. He could surprise you with some pretty interesting ideas!

If this doesn’t work, I hate to inform you that this one’s not a keeper, unless you place no value on your own sexual satisfaction (which I highly doubt). Telling your partner that their genitals are “gross,” while still expecting them to fiddle with your own is a shining beacon for a serious psychological disturbance.

And if his ideas involve you dressing up in a hazmat suit, run!

Mark my words: whether it is this guy or not, you will find someone who satisfies you – inside and outside the bedroom.

Best of luck!


February 25, 2009



Advice Columnist

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