Opinion

Who does Alaska think it is?

Lately, an unexpected party has been thrown into the national dialogue. Alaska, once our quiet, second-cousin of a state, has now turned into the obnoxiously drunk uncle who likes to brag about how much better “his days” were.

And with that, I wonder: Who the hell does Alaska think they are?

Really? The state that claims a dogsled race as its biggest sporting event is going to get cocky all of the sudden? Where were you guys 50 years ago? Oh, that’s right; you weren’t even a state back then.

Once Sarah Palin became a household name after receiving the Republican nomination for Vice President, it seems like whenever an Alaskan is interviewed they have an air of confidence not deserved from a people who spend most of their days shivering. Maybe they have been driven to insanity by the seasonal perpetual sunlight, but with their ego you would have thought they had actually contributed something – other than oil and TV shows like “Deadliest Catch”, which center around how crappy it is to actually live there.

I hate to break it to you Alaska, but nobody in the continental US really cares about you other than when we want to hunt or fish somewhere far away, but can’t afford to go to Africa. Even though your expertise as a state of hunting wolves from a helicopter is unparalleled, it does not exactly merit the attitude. When we bought you from the Russian Empire, most of the country called the very act a “Folly” – that’s right, the country that used “Manifest Destiny” as its unofficial motto didn’t even think it was worth it to own you.

We know you guys were once considered the Last Frontier, but outer-space has since taken your place and frankly, it is way cooler up there. Maybe if you guys weren’t so busy being arrogant about being the biggest state, you would have time to remember that you’re also the least densely populated state, at roughly one person per square mile. I mean, even Wyoming is at 5.1 people per square mile, but do you hear them talking about how great Wyoming is?

The craziest part has to be the Alaskans who want to secede from the Union. And to that I say go ahead – see how much you’ll be missed by the rest of us. It’s not like we won’t be able to get oil from California, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, Colorado, Iraq, the Gulf of Mexico, or the Pacific Ocean. Oh wait, we own all of those too.

With all that said, the only thing Alaska is good for is keeping the state count at a nice, round fifty. But if they keep it up, I’m sure Puerto Rico would be more than happy to take their place.

November 12, 2008

Reporters

Austen Gregerson

Staff Columnist


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

If redshirt freshman N’Kosi Perry is starting Thursday night for the No. 16 Miami Hurricanes against ...

It sure sounds like redshirt freshman N’Kosi Perry is going to get his first career start at 8 Thurs ...

If he hasn’t made it already, Miami Hurricanes coach Mark Richt has a defining decision to ponder in ...

They were way below the radar coming into the 1983 season. And after their 28-3 opening-game loss to ...

In the opening eight minutes on Saturday — and the final seven minutes — FIU looked like a team that ...

Theatre arts students open the Ring Theatre’s 2018-19 season with a tribute to the creative genius w ...

UM representatives earned Novice and Junior Varsity categories at the National Opener, one of the mo ...

The Office of Civic and Community Engagement receives a $300,000 investment from JPMorgan Chase to t ...

Get Out The Vote, a nonpartisan initiative headed by the Division of Student Affairs and the Butler ...

University of Miami Libraries commemorates Banned Books Week with a special event and display. ...

Conference play is just a few days away and the Miami Hurricanes are focused on their ACC opener on ...

The Miami Hurricanes were one of the biggest risers in both major polls released Sunday, jumping to ...

Miami junior Estela Perez-Somarriba's 6-4, 6-3 victory over Evgeniya Levashova will be re-broad ...

Estela Perez-Somarriba of the Miami women's tennis team earned one of the most prestigious coll ...

The University of Miami volleyball program defeated Duke, 3-1, winning its fourth straight match and ...

TMH Twitter
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.