Who does Alaska think it is?

Lately, an unexpected party has been thrown into the national dialogue. Alaska, once our quiet, second-cousin of a state, has now turned into the obnoxiously drunk uncle who likes to brag about how much better “his days” were.

And with that, I wonder: Who the hell does Alaska think they are?

Really? The state that claims a dogsled race as its biggest sporting event is going to get cocky all of the sudden? Where were you guys 50 years ago? Oh, that’s right; you weren’t even a state back then.

Once Sarah Palin became a household name after receiving the Republican nomination for Vice President, it seems like whenever an Alaskan is interviewed they have an air of confidence not deserved from a people who spend most of their days shivering. Maybe they have been driven to insanity by the seasonal perpetual sunlight, but with their ego you would have thought they had actually contributed something – other than oil and TV shows like “Deadliest Catch”, which center around how crappy it is to actually live there.

I hate to break it to you Alaska, but nobody in the continental US really cares about you other than when we want to hunt or fish somewhere far away, but can’t afford to go to Africa. Even though your expertise as a state of hunting wolves from a helicopter is unparalleled, it does not exactly merit the attitude. When we bought you from the Russian Empire, most of the country called the very act a “Folly” – that’s right, the country that used “Manifest Destiny” as its unofficial motto didn’t even think it was worth it to own you.

We know you guys were once considered the Last Frontier, but outer-space has since taken your place and frankly, it is way cooler up there. Maybe if you guys weren’t so busy being arrogant about being the biggest state, you would have time to remember that you’re also the least densely populated state, at roughly one person per square mile. I mean, even Wyoming is at 5.1 people per square mile, but do you hear them talking about how great Wyoming is?

The craziest part has to be the Alaskans who want to secede from the Union. And to that I say go ahead – see how much you’ll be missed by the rest of us. It’s not like we won’t be able to get oil from California, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, Colorado, Iraq, the Gulf of Mexico, or the Pacific Ocean. Oh wait, we own all of those too.

With all that said, the only thing Alaska is good for is keeping the state count at a nice, round fifty. But if they keep it up, I’m sure Puerto Rico would be more than happy to take their place.

November 12, 2008


Austen Gregerson

Staff Columnist

ONE COMMENT ON THIS POST To “Who does Alaska think it is?”

  1. peace kind,
    hurricane, try to blow past alaska like florida & there is a 20,000 foot mountain stopping the storm from bailing out on those there & whom be hit if the mt. mckinley wasn’t there in alaska & how many winter storms come barreling down from there & bring freezing weather to south florida even, even moreso if that mt. was not there, so thank you alaska from protecting us from freezing storms ready to freeze our blood & body. i assume the article is written as to in almost tropical south florida & from there whom can relate to tundra’s & 24 hour day lite or nite time & mostly freezing weather year round. mount mckinley is why. 20,320 feet is the highest peak in north america, such protection & honor, whom do you want that to befall this on, surely your from another country maybe russia thinking it was a give away we surely own it still since the price was so low we sold it for, they just counn’t imagine it was a joke now could they. polar bears would lack u.s.a. residency, how can we live without polar bears they show us surviving in the snow year round is possible for a mammal, something to be proud of for us human mammals rather be in tropical wonderland like apes then trying to survive & endure swimming in icy ocean water all year round. canada already is bigger then the u.s.a., wouldn’t they adopt the place if we forsake our homeland there? then canada would probably subject the u.s.a. moreso to the queens money & whatever canadians do with money that has pictures of the queen on it. i’d go for the height, some 6,000 feet more then a mile higher then anything in continental u.s.a. can produce as alaska is homeland also for u.s.a.
    that protection as in the holy mt. is what i’d want. geologist have some proof that the pacific plate cut off alaska from nw u.s.a. which extended some 1 hundred miles out into the pacific ocean before recently displaced by the same force that uplifted the rocky mts. so alaska is really a warmer place when what its used to now a days. so if your arm got cut off & put over your head wouldn’t you claim it as your arm, not i know it not, for its not part of my body like a bowel movement, though gone, isn’t it yours, it came from you. well alaska i hope to at least visit & observe the 24 hour day & nite something i need a passport to find out about if anywhere else other then the u.s.a., & onward as to kind truth may be said of alaska.
    peace kind

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