So there’s this boy on Facebook. Very hot boy. He is gay and claims to have transferred to University of Miami from University of Florida. However, none of the UM gays have ever met him – or even seen him! In my curiosity, I was assertive and asked for his number via a Facebook message. We’ve talked for several hours on the phone. He has sent me naked pictures and videos of him masturbating, and even agreed to hang out or grab a bite to eat. But nothing ever comes of it. I never tolerate being stood up. What am I to do?
I know exactly who you are talking about! While I have yet to see these naked photos and masturbation videos of which you speak (e-mail them to firstname.lastname@example.org now), I am one of Random Queen’s friends on Facebook. Furthermore, I check his profile regularly.
I typically look at his photos and think, Where is South Beach? Everyone knows that UM gays have a plethora of photos from SoBe, and yet this guy’s photos look like they were taken on a pig farm North Georgia. Seriously, the scenery of his most recently tagged photos evoke memories of seeing Jessica Simpson in “The Dukes of Hazard” – proof that categorically negates any claims that this queen lives in the Magic City.
But the Hurriqueen is investigative by nature, and as such, just had to get his hands dirty and dig deeper. Indeed, I spent my Thursday night instant messaging every single one of my University of Florida gays in Gainesville.
And guess what, my friend? None of my bros or their hags at UF have even heard of this fella, let alone make out with him at a club! That our peeps at UM and my gays at UF have absolutely no recollection of meeting mystery boy proves my point twice over: he doesn’t exist!
But accepting that this guy is a flake is only half the battle. Now you have to stop talking to him. I realize that this comes at a high cost: you will undoubtedly have to cut off your access to seeing videos of him rubbing one out.
But look on the bright side: deleting Mr. Sketch from your cell and AIM and ignoring all contact with him will give you more time to find a real boy in Miami, if one exists.
Notice: This is the Hurriqueen’s last column ever, so please STOP sending your nasty ass questions to Hurriqueen@gmail.com. However, he would like for you to know that he appreciates everyone who had an opinion about what he had to say. Indeed, it has been a thought-provoking and intellectually stimulating year that demonstrated the importantance of separation of Student Government and student media at UM. Now go get A’s on your final exams, bitches.