I made a stupid mistake. I have to take a drug test for an internship this summer, but last night, well, let’s just say I did something that may or may not cause me to fail. By the way, my drug test is this week. What do I do?
– Smoked out of luck
Dear Smoked out of luck,
Look, I don’t mean to be a bitch, but you’re smoked out of common sense, not luck. It’s ironic, seeing as though impairment of cognitive function is one of the suspected symptoms of marijuana use. But I digress.
The point is that you have screwed up at a pivotal moment in a typical college student’s life: when an individual earns an internship and thus must begin the very first stages of transitioning from a beer-bingeing, condom-breaking, Mary Jane-musing and dumbass decision making youth into a responsible, professional, mature, and career-oriented adult.
I’m not suggesting that young professionals can’t have their marijuana and smoke it too, but rather that at some point they become responsible recreational drug users who don’t allow partying to dictate their future.
When you had the opportunity to smoke last night, you also had the opportunity to demonstrate that you are ready for this transition. You had the chance to rationalize that getting high may be a wonderful experience, but that you’d prefer to have an internship where you could demonstrate to yourself and others that you are a talented, capable, intelligent and driven person who wants to positively contribute to society. Instead, you picked up that joint, knowing that you could potentially see your internship go up in smoke.
And so what should you do about that? How should you try to break the rules to retain your precious internship?
I don’t know what miracle answers you are expecting from me, but this queen’s advice is much deeper than begging a friend to piss in a cup for you. I’m not saying that it isn’t effed up and hypocritical that corporate America thinks occasional drug users would make incompetent interns, but our generation isn’t going to be able to change the rules until we follow them. Instead of trying to find a way to fool the system that doesn’t think you should be using drugs, you need to ask yourself if you are ready for the system.
Keep me updated.
Send responses and questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.