A girl’s guide to paintball

I noticed that during my experience in paintball most girls (my apologies to those who actually know how to shoot a gun) act somewhat differently than boys. So I would like to offer some advice for girls on how to respectfully play paintball so as not to be mocked or laughed at by the opposite sex.

Regularly wipe your mask. The mask will become foggy as you play, blocking your view of your opponent and thus making any tree appear to be someone on the opposite team. Look carefully to see if it is in fact an enemy or simply a tree. If you continually shoot the tree and yell at it, and it does not move, and others have begun laughing at you, you should probably clean your mask.

But for God’s sake, do NOT take the mask off while on the field! This will result in you sporting an eye patch where your eyeball used to be.

Make sure you speak the language of the people you are playing with. If you do not, you may find that you are still shooting at the tree you mistook for the enemy, while everybody is yelling at you “The game is over!”

Also, “Cover me!” is different than, “It’s over!” It’s important to be able to tell the difference between the two. If you misunderstand “cover me” for “game over,” you could be the idiot charging toward the opposite end of the field stumbling on paintball guns because of your foggy mask.

Getting shot hurts. Like hell. Don’t cry and complain. That is bad and you will never be allowed to play again.

Advance, advance, advance. Do not hide in the back where you started from because:

a) That’s where guys from the opposite team go first because they know that all girls hide in the back.

b) You will not hear that “The game is over!” yell from so far in the back.

c) Every tree from that far back looks like a person, you must advance in order to shoot a REAL person.

d) You will get dirty. Do not wear nice clothes. Wear something you don’t care about, like your boyfriend’s clothes.

Well ladies, I wish you luck on your endeavors. If you follow these tips, you will surely come out as the man with the least bruises.

Lisa Magedler is a junior majoring in creative writing. She is still recovering after embarrassing herself in paintball and may be contacted at l.magedler@umiami.edu.

March 6, 2008


The Miami Hurricane

Student newspaper at the University of Miami

Around the Web

During a virtual panel discussion hosted by the University of Washington, President Julio Frenk discussed global responses to the pandemic—and what is needed to move forward. ...

Members of the Homecoming Executive Committee share how they pivoted this year to plan a ’Canes Spirit Week that continues to generate excitement and honor tradition. ...

One of the University’s largest student-run organizations didn’t miss a beat when moving its dance lessons online. ...

Tau Sigma National Honor Society and the Department of Orientation and Commuter Student Involvement host a week of interactive events honoring transfer students Oct. 19-25. ...

A graduate of the highly selective Applied Behavior Analysis program, Fajer Almenaie is changing the landscape for children on the autism spectrum in the Middle East. ...

TMH Twitter
About Us

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Florida. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published in print every Tuesday.