Drop that hateful biddy

Dear Hurriqueen,

I’ve been on and off with this girl since we started at UM last semester. She’s really hot and was a lot of fun at first, but lately she’s been acting crazy or bipolar or something, like her partying is getting to her. Whenever I call, she always yells and curses at me so loud when I feel like I haven’t done anything wrong. It’s like a hurricane of f-bombs. She tells me to leave her alone and stop when I call, but not when we we’re getting our freak on. If she doesn’t want to talk to me, why does she take my calls? I really have feelings for her and she’s really sending mixed signals. What’s the deal? Am I just her boy toy?

~ In Love With a Crazy Bitch

Dear Reader,

Miami: Sunny place, shady people. Let me tell you how it works. You probably came down here like all of us Canes, thinking you’re going to score some total hottie with a tan. And then you walk into reality like an f-ing palm tree: Most of these bitches’ personalities are just as fake as the orange sheen on their skin.

The result? You slowly learn to settle, trading in your fantasy of the hot, sweet, sex-crazed intellectual with wonderfully proportioned body parts for a desperate existence with party-focused hos cracked out on Adderall and vodka.

Listen, I’ve been there. I’ve settled for a lunatic who blamed me for all of his mood swings. I know what you’re going through. And this queen is here to tell you, you’re never going to be happy with this psycho bitch. It’s time to move on!

To me, “mixed signals” are always a signal to get the hell out! Although you can’t control her erratic behavior, you can control your own. Stop calling and giving her the opportunity to take her problems out on you.

And although fantasies are the ultimate tease, they can remind you not to settle. Hold on tight to your standards for girls in the city and eventually you may find the right one. But that probably won’t happen until you graduate and peace out.

Keep me updated.


The Hurriqueen

Send questions to hurriqueen@gmail.com. He’ll get to them, if he feels like it.

February 4, 2008


The Miami Hurricane

Student newspaper at the University of Miami

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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Florida. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published in print every Tuesday.