If you manage a ménage

Dear Hurriqueen,

My roommate has always joked with me that it would be hot to bond with another guy and share a girl. Last month, he said his girlfriend had warmed up to the idea of a threesome and that I was the only guy he’d do it with. I thought long and hard about it (no pun intended) and decided, what the heck, it might be fun. After the Texas A&M game and an insane amount of drinking, we headed back to the dorms, where my roommate’s girlfriend asked me what size condom I needed. In the end, I had the most amazing orgasm. But I woke up the next morning with this horrible feeling of shame and embarrassment. Things between my roommate and his girlfriend have been weird ever since. I just want things to go back to normal, like this never happened. What should I do?

-Third Wheel

Dear Reader,

It seems to me that the only positive aspect of your situation is that you three peas in a pod practiced safe sex. Kudos to you. Sadly, though, the glove doesn’t prevent stupidity. In Madonna’s name, what on earth gave you the idea that you and your roommate could double dip into his girlfriend and wake up the next morning as the good buddies you’ve always been?

While many of us try to keep sex on a physical level, the fact remains that it inevitably stirs up a plethora of emotions. Though you may just feel awkward, your roommate probably feels jealous and threatened by having seen you have your way with the woman he loves. His girlfriend, however, may feel that you two violated her, all in an attempt to “bond.”

And while we’re on the topic, what kind of heterosexual males “bond” via sexual experiences? Sports, yes. Music, sure. Video games, of course. But “sharing a girl”? Highly doubtful! And yet you say the act gave you the “most amazing orgasm” of your life. Don’t get paranoid and defensive, but this is what I call the first rainbow flag. Think about it: If throwing a guy into the mix excited you to the point where you had such an intense orgasm, maybe you are sexually attracted to men. I suggest that you take some time to consider this.

I understand that you simply want things to go back to normal. But sorry bro, that’s not going to happen! The best possible outcome here is that you three can get over your embarrassment and shame and reclaim your friendship, despite having been naughty and nekkid. But avoiding eye contact and ignoring each other isn’t going to get you anywhere. Indeed, I suggest that you man up and talk to your roommate. Tell him what you told me and be sensitive and careful not to place blame. If this conversation goes well, all three of you should sit down for an open-minded discussion on what happened. Make it clear to your roommate and his girlfriend that you would like to learn from the mistake and move past this together.

Of course, your attempt to start a dialogue may backfire and all hell could break loose. If you have reason to suspect that your roommate and his girlfriend wouldn’t react too well to a discussion of what happened, it might be time to cut your losses and move on. If this is the case, contact the Department of Residence Halls and request a room change. But I beg of you, don’t make the same mistake twice. Keep your roommate and sex life separate!

That’s all.

The Hurriqueen.

Send questions to Hurriqueen@gmail.com. He’ll get to them, if he feels like it.

October 22, 2007


The Miami Hurricane

Student newspaper at the University of Miami

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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.