Can gay affairs be hidden from my girlfriend?

    Dear V,

    I have been my dating girlfriend for most of undergrad. Since last semester, I have been unfaithful. During this time, I have experimented with male partners in other fraternities. I really care about my girlfriend and don’t want to hurt her. But she is friends with a lot of Greeks, and I’m afraid she’ll find out.

    I’ve come to enjoy my sexual relations with my male partners more than with my girlfriend. First thing is, am I gay or bi? Or does that not even matter? I’m worried that once this becomes public, I will disgrace most of the Greek community on campus. More importantly, how can I continue my promiscuity without her finding out?


    Dear Reader,

    Let me see if I’ve got this right: you want me to tell you how to continue cheating on your girlfriend without getting caught?
    Basically, you’re trying to cover your own ass. Do you really think that even merits a response? Either ditch the guys, or ditch the girl, but you can’t have your cake and eat it, too. You’re not four years old, so stop acting like a child.

    You say you care about your girlfriend. Really? Not only is it cruel and deceitful to cheat on your partner, you’re also playing her for a fool. She’ll be none too happy when she learns the truth about your little sexcapades-and she will.

    My advice? Come clean now. You’re just going to get tangled in a web of lies, and it’s going to suck the life right out of you. You need to decide what’s more important to you: staying with your girlfriend, or hooking up with other guys. If you do want to stick with your girl, I’d recommend telling her the truth.

    If, however, you decide you’d rather make the rounds with the frat boys, you need to break up with your girlfriend, like, two months ago. She deserves to hear the truth straight from your mouth (unless, of course, you’d rather have her hear it from a gossipy sorority girl). If you’re not ready to fess up about the guy-on-guy action, at least explain your reasons for ending the relationship: you don’t think you can be a good boyfriend to her, you’ve changed, yada, yada, yada.

    I can’t tell you if you’re gay, I can’t tell you if you’re straight, and I can’t tell you if you’re bisexual. You have to figure that one out on your own. Being gay or bisexual, though, is not a disgrace, even in the Greek community. In fact, there are a number of gay men in fraternities right here on the UM campus (hello, you were hooking up with them!). The only thing you have to be ashamed of is the way you treated your girlfriend.

    No good can come of living this double life. So grow up, man up, and accept responsibility for your actions. Trust me, you’ll feel much better when you do.

    Best of luck,


    Fact’o’the Day: Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

    This column originally ran March 27, 2007.