My boyfriend is obsessed with me. The problem is, he’s not my boyfriend anymore; I broke up with him in December. We dated for about four months, but there were just so many differences between us-he’s a traditional Chinese guy, I’m Caucasian; he’s a grad student, I’m a freshman-in the end, we just saw life differently. But he’s been calling me, e-mailing me, text messaging me, and IM-ing me nonstop (and I literally mean nonstop). He’s even shown up at my dorm room in the middle of the night. He says me he’s going to change, that he’ll be a better boyfriend. He actually told me that he would stop eating Chinese food for me! I don’t want him to stop eating Chinese food, I just want him to leave me alone! How do I let him down gently?
Sick of Being Stalked
Who doesn’t like a good stalking now and then to keep you on your toes? j/k, j/k. It sounds like your boyfriend is having some separation issues here, and it’s time for a serious wake up call. Assuming you were absolutely clear in your breakup with him last December (none of that “let’s take a break” business-if that’s the case, then you need to stop reading right now and go tell the poor boy that you were actually ending your relationship), it’s pretty unreasonable for him to be calling you 24/7 and showing up at your dorm room unannounced.
Have you called him out on this stalker-esque behavior yet? Is it possible that he’s not even aware of how creepy it is? In his defense, if he doesn’t know he’s doing anything wrong, then you can’t expect him to stop. (Unless he’s socially impaired, it’s unlikely, I know, but you can’t rule it out.) I would suggest that you tell him his behavior is inappropriate, and that you don’t want any sort of a romantic relationship with him. (In fact, at this point, it’s probably not a good idea for you to even try being friends-it will only encourage him more, and the boundary between friend and boyfriend can get a little blurry.)
You need to decide how much contact you feel comfortable with: would you prefer shutting him out completely? If so, you need to tell him. Going the -no-contact route is my recommendation, but if you feel the desire to try the whole friends thing, and you’re ok with keeping in touch, then you need to establish clear boundaries.
Calling you on a regular basis is not an ok thing for this guy to be doing. But how do you feel about e-mails, or text messaging? Tell him in clear and concise words what he can and cannot do, and that if he oversteps the boundaries, you’ll have to cut off contact cold turkey.
If all else fails, block his e-mails and instant messages, and erase his number from your phone. Worst comes to worst, you can always contact the proper authorities and alert them to his behavior. If you truly feel unsafe, you can always talk to your RA and Residential Coordinator. But let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.
Best of Luck!
Fact’o’the Day: Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England-but only in tropical fish stores (naturally!).
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