I hate you, okcupid.com

Okcupid.com is a website consisting of mindless tests and quizzes; most of which have no basis in reality. This is my letter to the masterminds behind it.

Dear okcupid.com:

Allow me to begin by thanking you for ruining my life. The first way you did so was by turning me from annoyingly punctual to chronically late. I used to always arrive early or on time-until I discovered your stupid quizzes. Now I find myself taking those few extra minutes I need to prepare from class or work to find out what percent slut I am (54% and proud).

More specifically, a quiz entitled “The ‘Who the hell am I, really?’ Test” nearly brought me to tears. My score states that I’m “The Drifter,” and the description opens with, “It’s sad, really,” and goes on to tell me how I’m wasted talent and will never achieve greatness (sniff, sniff). And with each incorrect use of the word “your” over “you’re,” the knife sank deeper into my soul.

Let me tell you something, okcupid.com. I know I’m aimless. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. At the age of 24, I’m still unable to answer the question of what I want to be when I grow up. While that fact is especially disturbing, considering I began my Ph.D. in the fall, this is not something I’m proud of and I don’t appreciate you trying to be the master of all things obvious, and what not.

However, I’ve got news for you. Throughout high school, I had a Calvin Coolidge quote posted in my locker: “Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.”

If there is one thing I’m not, it is a quitter. I may have no idea what I’m doing 99.99% of the time, but if I’m winning when I’m doing it then it’s all good. Talent, genius and education are just a few of the special qualities I have in addition to my incredible amounts of persistence and determination. There is nothing wrong with being a drifter, so long as one is drifting towards an ultimate goal. My ultimate goal is to be filthy rich and happy enough to not let stupid quizzes such as “The ‘Who the hell am I, really?’ Test” get me down.

So guess what, okcupid.com? I’ve got the stick-to-itiveness it takes to make millions. And that is just what I need to buy your website and shut you down so you can never again cause tardiness, tell people who they are or predict what they cannot do.

Best of luck in the future,

Alicia Montalvo is a graduate student concentrating in sports medicine. Arguments may be forwarded to a.montalvo@umiami.edu