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This Prince Albert is a royal pain

Dear V,

I have a penis piercing, and whenever I have sex with my girlfriend it hurts a lot. I don’t want to take it out, but I think that I may have to remove it for mine and my girlfriend’s sake. What do you think?

Dear Reader,

Uhhh, what the hell? So, is it suddenly really cool to get your nasty pierced? Has it turned into the new bellybutton? Anyway, if it’s a recent piercing, then it is definitely not a good idea to have sex/do whatever you do down there for two months (bet you’re regretting getting that bad boy pierced hmm?). You see, a piercing is no different than an open wound and it takes time for your poor body to adjust to your brain’s masochistic desires.

If, however, you’ve had this piercing in for a while and it has just started giving you trouble, perhaps you should head to a doctor for a quick examination. Though I’m not totally familiar with the complete details (the enigma, if you will) of the penis piercing, I am aware that the grand old Prince Albert is not one’s only option when it comes to piercing that region of the body. In any case, it is completely possible for any piercing, including yours, to become infected whenever it damn well pleases and for any inexplicable reason, though it is unusual for you to experience shrill pain from the piercing during sexual activity.

I’m sure it’s a pretty safe bet that you’re not rubbing your schlong in a Petri dish full of bacteria, but I’m also sure that all of the necessary friction down there could lead to something very dramatic and painful and even introduce bacteria into the piercing; nothing like a crusty and pus-filled penis piercing to really spice things up.

Oh, and P.S., make sure that you’re buying appropriately-sized condoms for yourself, as your run-of- the-mill Trojan is not made to accommodate both you and your piercing. If you think that you might have some kind of infection, it might be very helpful to soak, ahem, yourself in a homemade saline solution (1/4 teaspoon of table salt to every 8 oz. of warm distilled water) in order to clean out the piercing, and revitalize blood circulation to the piercing.

Furthermore, make sure that you’re washing that baby every single day with an anti-bacterial soap or one that is specially formulated for a piercing as many drugstore- brand soaps can become very irritating and drying with prolonged use. Do not try to use any kind anti-bacterial gel, oil-based or not (Neosporin etc.) as it will probably do more harm than good and end up clogging the piercing or worse, lead to some kind of irksome allergic reaction on your sensitive parts.

Lastly, do remember that though you may adore your penis piercing it’s probably not worth sacrificing your relationship or your sex life for the bling down there, and if you think it is, boy, you need to do some serious reprioritizing.

Best of luck!

V.

Fact O’ the Day…On average a man will have around nine erections each and every day.

Please send probing inquiries to DearV@hotmail.com. All questions and comments will remain anonymous.

This Dear V originally ran on August 30, 2005.

January 26, 2007

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The Miami Hurricane

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