An open letter to Burger King’s marketing department

Ok, guys, stop it. Enough. I mean it-just knock it off; you’ve had too much fun already.

It’s bad enough that I’m already subject to a never-ending barrage of ads whenever I’m catching South Park, reading the paper or browsing travel blogs. But worse than a barrage of ads is a barrage of crappy ads, something you guys seem to excel at. I find your food to be more digestible than your advertising-don’t you think that’s a sign you should change your approach?

You would think big companies would strive for a good, clever ad that’ll be memorable to your customers. Years, even decades later, people still talk about ad campaigns from companies like Apple and Guinness-those ads are “brilliant.” Yours are not.

Burger King, I’ve got some advice for you: get another ad agency, because the geniuses you’re working with have, so far, given you a bunch of two-bit Slipknot knockoffs dressed as oversized birds (Slipknot actually threatened to sue you for that one-ah, the sweet, delicious irony), and an incredibly creepy plastic king who stalks unfortunate individuals at night so they can wake up with him in the morning. Don’t even get me started on the Hootie commercial.

And just when I thought you couldn’t get any more senseless, mind-numbing, or downright scary, you drop another bombshell on me.

The gem in question is the “Whopper” family, a household of crazies who like dressing up as burgers, promoting the new Whopper Junior. When big Whopper tells junior Whopper he can’t sell himself for one dollar, junior yells “I wish I had never been broiled!”

Ha, ha, ha. Good one, guys. You’ve really got me going this time. Did you rip that one off, or just sit around the table until 4 a.m. to think it up?

I have a question: do you honestly believe your customers are stupid? Do you think you’re providing a service by making your ads so devoid of intelligence it makes my head bleed? There’s no way you think we actually enjoy watching bad commercials…do you?

Sooner or later, all you advertising/marketing bozos are going to have to realize that we, the customers, are starting to get really sick of you and your ads. It’s bad enough that ad folks insist on using pop-up windows and static ads for TiVo users (that’s some nerve, you know that?). It’s even worse that you guys in particular insist on lowering their quality with each new campaign.

Some companies have realized this and have made it a point to make good ads. You can too, and the first step is executing the porcelain monarch and handing the chickens on bikes to Colonel Sanders.

I sincerely thank you for taking the time to listen to me. I hope this helps you make better advertising: for both your sake and the sake of your customers.

Jay Rooney is a senior majoring in journalism and history. He can be contacted at or at the Rat from 4-7pm.