Opinion

Fat Teddy and Mr. Baggy Eyes clog Alito confirmation

Samuel Alito has been taking a considerable amount of flak lately, unrightfully so. Alito, in his past decisions in lower courts, has tended to decide cases conservatively. Now, the thing most college kids don’t recognize about judicial terminology is that “conservative” doesn’t mean you love George Bush and right-wing thought. As one of my editors, Benjamin Minkus, pointed out, being a “conservative” judge means that one uses restraint when making decisions, often opting to let precedent stand or if changing a precedent, doing so slightly.

During the confirmation process, Alito has taken on serious shots from Democrats, for reasons that hold as much weight as a feather. I mean, the left was led in its attack on Alito by Ted Kennedy. First of all, how the hell did this man receive a spot on the committee that determines who sits on the most important judicial court we have? I guess he had to salute a few people on along the way (too soon?). For those not knowledgeable about how shady this character is, let me refresh your memory that has probably been clouded by your parents who probably think the Kennedy’s are the best thing ever to happen to American politics.

The leader of the liberal pack, Ted Kennedy, pled guilty in 1969 for crashing his car in Massachusetts with a former secretary of his brother Robert, Mary Jo Kopechne, riding shotgun. Teddy, a known alcoholic for multiple years, was leaving a party, crashed off a bridge into a creek, drowning Kopechne. Kennedy didn’t report the accident until the next morning (eight hours later). Teddy said he left the scene of the accident by swimming the channel (in Massachusetts in a full suit?!) and then on foot. Police found Kopechne’s body in the back seat of the car the next day. Kennedy reported he made several dives under water to try to find his mistress many times, but found nothing. Get outta here, Ted. Another sketchy Kennedy “accident.” Many thought his political career was done, but the voters of Massachusetts showed their blind-folded obsession/devotion to the pretty Kennedy family by reinstating him into office time and again.

Three-and-a-half decades later, Kennedy has the nerve to lash out at a man with a record cleaner than Hillary Clinton’s bed sheets. But he’s not alone. There are some Dems who need a platform to get some press coverage before the ’08 Presidential race gets too close. Where are the ‘Canes for Kerry? Get out those old stickers that you took off your cars and bags, scratch out the “4” and replace it with an “8.” Kerry’s going to embarrass himself once again. After losing by the largest margin since Bush Sr. whipped up on Michael Dukakis 18 years ago, Kerry’s getting his name out there by joining hands with ol’ Teddy. Kerry, however, wanted to take the attack on Alito to the next level. Kerry was thinking of using the fad many Democratic senators had recently used: filibustering.Kerry suggested a filibuster in order to block Alito’s final confirmation. The good ol’ “we can’t beat ’em, so let” just not play” mentality. In the end, if he endures all the temper tantrums from the Democrats, Samuel Alito will have no problem getting confirmed and will serve on the Court until his hair color matches that of Fat Teddy.

Tennessee Colonel Joe Baxter is a senior majoring in philosophy and can be contacted at j.baxter@umiami.edu. He enjoys fried okra and bourbon, though not necessarily together.

February 7, 2006

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Student newspaper at the University of Miami


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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.