Someone slap Marcus Vick (other than UM’s D)

I’m Tennessee Colonel Joseph Baxter. I was born and raised in the heart of the South (and if you know anything, the South is not South Florida). Being brought up in that setting, certain things southerners do sometimes make us look incompetent. One prime example has been unfolding over the last couple years: the saga of Marcus Vick.

What a damn Virginian fool. Being the star quarterback of Virginia Tech’s football program and brother of an NFL superstar, Marcus isn’t really a candidate for the titles of “less fortunate” or “disadvantaged.” This guy has all the athletic ability needed to play in the NFL, and could get paid millions for doing so. But this writer is pulling for that never happening. What kind of idiot are you dealing with in Marcus Vick?

– September 2003-Suspended by Coach Frank Beamer for undisclosed reason

– February 2004-Arrested and charged with four misdemeanors: three for allegedly allowing underage girls to have alcohol and one for allegedly having sex with a 15-year-old at a January party. Released on $2,500 bond

– May 2004-Convicted of three counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor and sentenced to 30 days in jail and fined $2,250

– July 2004-Charged with reckless driving and possession of marijuana after a traffic stop

– July 2004-Indefinitely suspended from football team for off-field problems

– August 2004-Suspended from the university for the 2004 season on same day he pleaded guilty to reckless driving and no contest to marijuana possession

– January 2005-Cleared to rejoin football team and re-enroll at Virginia Tech

– January 2006-Leads Virginia Tech to a 35-24 win over Louisville in Gator Bowl. In the game, he stomped on the left calf of All-American defensive end Elvis Dumervil, the NCAA leader in sacks. Claimed the incident was accidental and that he apologized to Dumervil, who denied ever receiving apology

– January 2006-Kicked off team at Virginia Tech for legal trouble (driving with a suspended license in December) and unsportsmanlike conduct in Gator Bowl

A reporter caught up with Marcus just hours after he had been kicked off the team by Virginia Tech President Charles Steger. Staying classless as usual, Marcus said, “It’s not a big deal. I’ll just move on to the next level, baby.” Good call, Marc. Stay true to thyself-veritas, baby. Can anybody say Maurice Clarett? Vick may not fizzle as quickly as Clarett did, but the two do share the similarity of having a good ol’ time by pulling guns on people in public places.

Oh, yeah, almost forgot to mention that bullet point (pun intended). Early this month, Marcus was busted after he pulled a firearm on three a McDonald’s! Somebody, please pour a bucket of ice water on his Forrest Gump I.Q. level-having head.

Joe Baxter really is a Tennessee Colonel, and is a senior majoring in philosophy. He can be contacted at