I have no idea what to do. I am not in love with my boyfriend anymore. We have been dating seriously since we were freshmen (almost three-and-a -half years!). He is my best friend, but I just don’t think that I am in love with him anymore. I don’t know how to tell him. I don’t want to break his heart. It’s just that I’ve realized that I don’t really want to marry him or spend the rest of my life with him even though he has told me that he can’t wait to marry me. If I do break up with him, will I ever be able to talk to him again? Will he ever want to talk to me again?
In my opinion, your problem ranks pretty high up there on the urgency/difficulty scale. Basically, there isn’t a clean way to go about breaking up with someone, especially if you’ve been together for such a long time. Also, considering the fact that he is still in love with you, things get that much more complicated.
I must say, however, that it is far better for you to do the dirty business of breaking up with him now than saving the news for when you have three kids and a picket fence; nobody wants to end up a dirty little statistic. Furthermore, if you truly believe in the vows of marriage-the whole “’til death do us part” schtick-then obviously you don’t want to marry someone that you’re not even in love with anymore. What fun would that be? Save the falling in and out of love for when you’re 40 with a fast-track career and a too many responsibilities to handle.
So, clearly, you must tell him. I don’t think that it’s fair of you to withhold this vital piece of information from him any longer. And, I think it’s best if you just come out and say it during daylight hours when you are sober and in a sane frame of mind; do not tell him in bed, do not tell him late at night, do not tell him after taking him out for dinner, and do not under any circumstances tell him when there are other people around. You are likely going to crush him, and the least you can do is help him retain the little dignity that he will have left. Furthermore, don’t play dumb little games with him. Distancing yourself is just mean, hurtful and totally unnecessary. I am sorry because it’s going to be so hard and so emotionally fueled, but telling him flat out that you don’t want to be with him is the best and the only way to tell him.
Best of luck,
Fact o’ the Day. Urolagnia is the formal term used for one who has a fetish for urine, i.e. the “golden shower.”
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V is a senior majoring in psychology and creative writing.