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Dear V

Dear V,

I have a bit of an unusual problem. I am a straight male and I have a girlfriend that I get along with very well. We both really enjoy sex, but she’s more reserved about it than I am. Over the past year that we’ve been dating I’ve slowly gotten her to open up to some of my kinks, but there are a few things that I haven’t told her about my interests for fear of her reaction.

One of the things we like to do together is watch porn, but I’ve started to get into rape fantasies by myself. I really want to watch some of this with my girlfriend, but she’s expressed a certain level of unease when it comes to rape-she was raped when she was younger. As if this desire wasn’t enough, I have one more secret that I keep from her. I have a tentacle monster costume. It is my ultimate desire to wear this costume alone with her.

My question to you, is how could I bring this up to my girlfriend without scaring her away? I care about her very much and would hate to lose her, but it’s so hard to suppress this side of me!

Please help me,

Freaked and freaky

Dear Reader,

So, you want to know how you can introduce these fetishes to your girlfriend without scaring her off. That’s a pretty straightforward question. News flash, buddy: you bring them up to her and I have a funny feeling that you will be enjoying the bachelor’s life in no time flat. That pretty much sums up my answer to your question, and if you want to keep your girlfriend and your sexual sanity intact, you might have to learn how to channel your desires into other less emotionally abusive channels.

It’s not the nature of your fetish that I disagree with because let’s face it; people get off in weird ways. Some people are into feet, others into bondage and others, like you, are into rape and costumes, even if it involves a monster. What I think is wrong is your blatant lack of consideration for your girlfriend’s emotional state. The girl was raped, period. What don’t you understand about that? Sexual crimes may be the worst kind because, if she is lucky enough to have survived the attack, it is nearly impossible to lead a “normal” life where the memories of such a heinous incident don’t impact her daily activities and rites of passage. From having a normal sex life, to bearing children, to creating friendships and relationships with men, your girlfriend’s ability to live without fear is an accomplishment in itself. What she needs is an understanding, compassionate boyfriend who is committed to helping her feel safe, not a boyfriend who drools every time he thinks about acting out his fictitious rape fantasy on her.

If you can’t live without this fetish in a monogamous relationship with your girlfriend, I highly suggest seeking out the advice of a sex therapist.

Best of luck!

V.

Fact O’ the Day…Forget oysters! Rosemary, artichokes, asparagus and basil are a few more aphrodisiacs legendary for their abilities to put people in the mood. And, don’t forget about honey: it is rumored that Attila the Hun drank himself to death on the sweet stuff during his honeymoon.

Please send probing inquiries to DearV@hotmail.com or drop V a line in her box in the office of The Hurricane. All questions and comments will remain anonymous.

November 4, 2005

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The Miami Hurricane

Student newspaper at the University of Miami


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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.