I smell your hair while you sleep

Have you ever felt so enamored with someone you can’t stop thinking of her? Ever feel so passionately enthralled that you just have to talk to her right now and you call her, three, four, 10 times, at different numbers if she doesn’t answer her cell? Better yet, you just can’t wait to see her so you forgo work and class to wait outside of her work or class?

Guess what, you’re a stalker; stop that crap. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard girls talking about some guy who is stalking them, whether it is on Facebook, MySpace or in life itself. I don’t understand the illogical behavior some of these guys exhibit, but I can only surmise that the guys just aren’t getting the hints, or the ladies just aren’t being direct enough.

Ladies, guys are dense; unless he’s Mr. T or Fonzie, chances are he’s not cool enough to understand the enigmatic signs of your Pandora’s box. You need to be direct, and by direct I mean direct like a pillowcase full of doorknobs to the face. Because what might seem to you like a biting and caustic remark meant to make him feel like a small insignificant peon, to him might seem totally ambiguous. Thus, ladies, do the guys a favor, if you don’t like him, just straight out tell him. When you respond to his IMs where he asks you why you didn’t answer your phone, don’t answer with: “tee hee, sorry I was doing a group project.” Instead say: “Look, you loser, you creep me out and I’d rather strap on a chastity belt with a padlock the size of Texas, guarded by 10 third-world country guerilla warriors, than date you.”

Now, listen up, stalker boy. Girls don’t want to be randomly messaged on Facebook, and that includes poking, you double-entendre laughing freak. Nor do they want you to comment on their picture in MySpace, and they sure as hell don’t want you following them around campus. Seriously, there are billions of people on this earth and that includes millions of possible partners who are as weird as you and possibly weirder-just look at the internet. So if a girl seems uninterested in your strategy on killing trolls in your newest Dungeons and Dragons template, or in some cases the tattoo on your shoulder that says “305 4 Eva,” forget it, just stop; you’re only going to end up being a story she tells her friends and they’ll laugh hysterically in a circle drinking Smirnoff ice as they make up nicknames to call you by.

I understand sometimes women can be uppity and outright snobbish; I also understand that guys can be ridiculously blind and horribly creepy, but please people, let’s try and put some thought into our interactions with each other, get the iPod nanos out of your ears (yeah the whole thing), listen and communicate, then maybe we won’t have this problem. I doubt it, though-no one listens to this column.

Jovanni Bello can be reached at j.bello2@umiami.edu.