The week that was …all in one-liners

After a one-week hiatus, it’s time to get back to some one-liners for my seven loyal readers (thanks, Ashley!) For those of you who, unlike me, don’t read the news, or, like me, can’t watch the news because the Comcast guy has missed five straight appointments (and counting), here are some of the more interesting developments of the past week.
People magazine’s coverage of Kenny Chesney’s divorce from Renee Zellweger included the cover headline “What went wrong?” My guess? The media’s over-coverage of celebrities’ personal lives.
Former Education Secretary William Bennett said Thursday, “If you wanted to reduce crime, you could…abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down.” Ironically, this could also significantly raise black-on-William-Bennett crime.
“Maybe it’s time school officials look beyond MTV and try to attract college acts like…the Roots…that would fill the arena and not break our bank accounts.” -Ben Minkus, Jan. 23, 2004.
Leo Sternbach, the inventor of Valium, died this week. A calm man, Sternbach never seemed to mind when people pushed his buttons.
Pro hockey is back!
Hey, wait, where are you going?
According to the Associated Press, as Tom DeLay battles the conspiracy charge that forced him to step down as House majority leader, he will serve as a “very powerful adviser” to the Republican leadership, a GOP spokesman said. Specifically, he will be asked to serve as leader to the majority of the House.
With books planned separately by Terri Schiavo’s parents and her widower both set for release near the one-year anniversary of her death, here’s hoping the publishing companies can come to their senses and pull the plug on some pretty un-newsworthy memoirs…too soon?
“Students want groups like…the Roots…and other musical acts with strong college followings and reasonable ticket prices to make appearances here.” -Ben Minkus April 11, 2003.
The cast of Will & Grace made it through its live season opener. A shame; producers were hoping that maybe, this way, something funny would happen.
According to the Miami Herald, “The Miami Performing Arts Center’s inaugural 2006-2007 season won’t be all pointy-toed dancers and fat ladies singing.” Instead, as part of the show, dancers will dress as construction workers closing traffic on Biscayne Boulevard and fat ladies will ask the city for additional financing while ballerinas twirl about as they sweep the floors. Practice started three years ago.
The (UK) Observer reports that as many as three dozen “armed dolphins, trained by the U.S. military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico,” following this year’s hurricane season. There goes the Democrats’ hope for a presidential candidate with military experience.

Ben Minkus can be contacted at