Nope, I don’t want to get in your pants

Let’s get some things straight, I am not writing this because I got rejected or other such nonsense rebuttals I’ll most likely receive-oh wait, this is the last issue, screw it. I hate you all.

BEWARE: I am going to make sweeping generalizations. If this doesn’t apply to you, don’t send me emails saying that what I wrote doesn’t apply to everyone; I don’t care.

A number of the women on this campus think every guy is after them. My question is: Do all the guys want to get in your pants? No, we don’t, and I’ll tell you why. Firstly, from what I’ve heard around campus, I wouldn’t touch a certain number of the girls with a 10-foot pole. Some seem to have had more “partners” than a four-hour SalsaCraze party. Secondly, if you’re an uppity, standoffish bitch, no one wants to put up with your crap, much less have to chat you up enough to get into a favorable position.

Thirdly, some guys are just nice, well-mannered people whose only intention is to strike up a friendly conversation and be friends with you.

Now, let’s bash the guys who make all the females think all we want is sex. Apart from those who are just well-mannered and friendly, I know a good percentage of guys are saying, “Hell yeah, all we want to do is tap dat ass.” These guys need to have bricks thrown at them, hard. The question is though, how do you tell the two different guys apart?

Here is a simple test: If you’re walking across the green, wearing an “Everyone loves an Irish girl” shirt and a guy comes up to you and says, “I love Irish girls too, but do you want some American in you?”, call my name and I will dispose of him with the fury of a thousand pissed-off ninjas. Now, if you’re walking down the green and you drop your books, and the guy helps you pick them up, he’s not trying to get in your pants, carry on.

If you’re in the elevator in the business school and a guy gyrates his hips at you, stab him in the face with sharp pencils. Now, if the guy simply says, “I can’t wait till finals are over. How about you?” He’s only making conversation-relax, your panties are not on his mind.

Look, not all the guys are trying to get in your pants-some of us are just friendly, well-mannered people. This isn’t to say you shouldn’t watch out, because you should, but please, ease up a bit. Guys, stop being morons, not every girl wants to be accosted as she goes to class. Unless there are clear indications like winking and shirt-removal, leave her the hell alone.

Jovanni Bello can be contacted at