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Spice up your relationship

Dear V,

My housemate is really loud when she has sex. This wouldn’t be a problem, but our walls are paper-thin. I’m really annoyed because she has a crazy active sex life, and the quality of my sleep is slowly declining! I’m also really tired of listening to her bed knocking against the wall. I figure one day, it’s just going to make its way into my room! Is there a good way to address this problem so that I don’t make things really awkward between the two of us?

— Moan

Dear Reader,

Ick, I’m sorry that your situation is so completely miserable, but barging in on her and her lover(s) in the act and screaming obscenities at the two of them is probably not a good idea. Likewise, banging on your wall probably won’t accomplish anything but wasting your strength and bruising your fists; they’re not likely to hear you anyhow given how crazy they are! However, there are definitely a few avenues that you can pursue before you resort to earplugs, moving out, or murder.

You do realize that it’s difficult for some people to restrain their moans and groans in the act. Some, like your housemate, are just naturally louder and more impossibly annoying than others are during sex. These people just find it completely necessary to whimper and whine for seconds on end! I pity the poor housemate of a pro tennis player-those grunts are strong! But anywho, you can’t let her sex life impede on the quality of your sleep.

First off, don’t let any more weekends go by without saying something to her, or at least sneaking into her room to move the bed away from the wall. Furthermore, let her know how much you don’t appreciate the music coming through the walls, and ask if it’s possible for her to tone it down a few decibels. Maybe she can channel her groans into “sweet nothings,” or maybe she can frequent other beds instead of the one that is so close to your own. Bottom line, let her know that you are upset, if not pissed off. But, if all else fails, you’re just going to have to seek your own loud revenge and preferably on a Sunday night.

Best of Luck,

V.

Dear V,

My boyfriend and I are getting tired of our sex life. It’s gotten kind of boring and routine. Half the time, I don’t even want to strip down because it’s not even worth the effort. We’ve been together for three years, but I don’t want to break up with him even though I’m bored in that area of our relationship. How can I realistically spice things up without spending a ton of money on fancy lingerie or edible undies and things like that?

– Missionary

Dear Reader,

I’m going to spare you the lecture on the dire importance of a quality sex life in a healthy relationship. But, what are you, 40? So bored by sex? Boo hoo, cry me a river! I bet there are tons of people wishing they had your problem! But listen, you don’t need to blow your cash at Frederick’s or Vicky’s in order to bring life back to the dying. You can be totally seductive in your naturalness! Get your ass to the gym-the rediscovery of your abs will work wonders on your self- esteem and might even turn the tide in bed. Make sure your boy is running the loop too; it’s not fair if you look hot, and he doesn’t.

What about a new location? I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but doing the deed in risqu

April 5, 2005

Reporters

The Miami Hurricane

Student newspaper at the University of Miami


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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.