Dear V,
Valentine’s Day blows! This is probably like the 20th year in a row that I have failed to get a single Valentine from anyone, let alone a guy! It kind of depresses me to know that I’ve become such a failure in that area of my life, especially when I see all of my friends out with their own, special Valentines.
– I Hate Hearts.
Dear Reader,
Hallmark sucks. What more can I say to you? Blah, blah, blah-I know that there was a Saint Valentine, naked Cupids are symbolic of greater things, and that chocolate is really delish, but so what? Do I care? No. Should you care? No. Should you care when you have a real Valentine? No. It’s really just an excuse to go out for dinner, pop open a bottle of bubbly, and have great sex, and when you explain it like that, any day can and could be Feb. 14. I personally have no intentions on wasting my money on a box of fatty chocolates and rotting flowers. I’d rather have a new pair of shoes, thank you very much.
Why do you feel like a failure? I’m sure that you’re pretty stinkin’ fabulous when it comes down to it-All that? and a bag of chips?-Yes, I do think so. So what, you don’t have a boyfriend. Does that mean that you’re not loved? Nope, I’m sure that you’ve got some parents or siblings, and hopefully a few unshady friends who love you a hell of a lot! OK, so I know that romantic love and parental love are on two totally different planes, but the point I’m trying to make is that at least there are people who love you! So, get on with your life and stop dwelling on everything that you don’t have, and oh yeah-screw Valentine’s Day! You’re worth more than some chintzy red box of candy. But, maybe not more than those tasty Conversational Hearts…
Best of Luck,
V.
Dear V,
There is this guy in my class. I don’t know him too well, but we chat. I really don’t want to overanalyze anything because I’ve done that before only to be disappointed, but how do I read his signals to know if he’s really interested or if we’re only in-class buddies. If there is anything more, how do I pursue it?
– Ready to be Disappointed Again
Dear Reader,
OK. Stop. You are already overanalyzing. And, I have no doubt that you’ve already planned the rest of your lives together-the picket fence, the kids, the Golden Retriever. Just stop! If I were really lame, I would suggest that you take a peek into a book on body language and decipher him down to the way that his left toe tingles, but I’m not that awful. Gross.
So, I think that you ought to learn how to make a study buddy to try and see what kind of chemistry you might have next semester. Yes, it’s probably not going to happen this semester, and if it does and things don’t go according to plan-ha!-have fun, Captain Awkward. I’m not going to lie. I’m really not a big advocate of randomly hooking up with people that you see every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I think that it leaves a lot, a lot of room for mortification, red faces and a plain old dose of “Eww, I can’t believe I did that!” Yeah, just don’t. But, I would suggest getting his number at least, and doing a little late night cramming in Richter. And, if it turns out that you don’t really like him platonically, then, phew, way to save face romantically.
Best of Luck,
V.
Fact O’ The Day…Almost half of all adults (males and females) urinate a weeee bit during sex…yum.
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