Opinion

Social Security is the one with WMDs

The British Government has learned that Social Security recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa. That’s right, folks. That F.D.R. social program designed to keep Grandma from starving to death is actually a terrorist and a tyrant that has deployable, militarized weapons of mass destruction. We cannot wait for the smoking gun because Social Security is an imminent threat.

The risk of inaction presents a horrific scenario. Since its inception, Social Security has collected more in taxes than it has given Grandpa. In 2018-which is practically tomorrow-this will change. Don’t think the terror stops there! If we do nothing, the system will become insolvent in 2052! Don’t you see the imminent danger?

Don’t worry. We have a solution. We always have a solution. From the people who brought you the USA PATRIOT act and war without end, we present to you privatization! Whoops, sorry, they’re telling me that you people don’t like that word. Rove is saying to use “personal investment accounts” instead. Here’s how it works: We take your money and put it in a private stock market account because nothing ever goes wrong with the stock market. As for Grandma, she’ll still get her check because we’re going to borrow $2,000,000,000,000. Don’t worry about all those zeroes; China will be happy to oblige.

Never mind that the CEO who rakes in millions per year pays the same amount into Social Security as an engineer making $87,000 per year, and never mind that simply raising that flat-rate cutoff to something like $110,000 will fix it until our children die. That’s not the point. This is part of a broader war on the terror of using tax money for people.

There are those who say that our plan is designed to fail so that we can finally rid ourselves of that pesky social program that’s worked so well. They say our plan is overreaching, brash and short-sighted. We call them liberals. These are the same people who told you that Iraq didn’t have weapons of mass destruction. Pssh. Shows what they and their Howard Dean know!

You may as well like our plan because we’re going to keep using your tax dollars for propaganda until public support for privatization is high enough that we don’t have to worry about a “throw the bastards out” campaign in 2006.

Disclaimer: The author is a paid “consultant” with the Santorum/Gingrich ’08 PAC.

Chris Fisher can be contacted at c.fisher@umiami.edu.

February 1, 2005

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The Miami Hurricane

Student newspaper at the University of Miami


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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.