We here at Advocates for Regressive Thought are distressed and appalled at the lack of a right wing voice here on campus – not to mention the hard left slant of the entire student body and faculty. In order to remedy this disgusting bias, this week we sponsored Regressive Awareness Week, or as we like to call it, a RAW Deal. Here’s a summary.
Monday: Now this was a tricky one. Some liberals try to get this issue off the table simply by saying that it’s a question of the government’s reach, not of morals. But we know better. On Monday, Pro-Life Day, we held a mock abortion on the Rock to show people the horrors of abortion. Maybe now they’ll see it our way, eh?
Tuesday: Promotion of White Americans Day. This isn’t racism! All we know is that a disproportionate amount of Negroes commit violent crimes. Some say this is due to an inherent bias in the criminal justice system, but to them we say to turn off the hippity hop music and put on some Toby Keith! Whites are acquitted for a reason: they’re not innately bad.
Wednesday: Hump Day! We’re halfway through the week, which means it’s time to honor the person who has been cleaning our house, washing our clothes, and cooking our dinner; it’s Women at Home Day! ART sponsored an “Honor Thy Wife” gift giveaway. We had anything your aspiring housewife will ever need: Nice new aprons, kitchenware, feather dusters, even coupons for discounts on major appliances – after all, you’ll be getting married as soon as you graduate, and your girl will need a nice stove.
Thursday: We had a tough time here picking between the Second and 28th Amendment. In the end, we settled on Second Amendment Day, because if those gays ever do decide to forcibly enter into a union in the eyes of the law, we’ll need our rifles to stand with at the doors of our City Hall and say “Not in my town!” To celebrate this day, we went to a local elementary school and handed out cap guns and NRA pamphlets to first, second, and third graders. It was a great success!
Friday: The reason we couldn’t just do both amendments was this day. It is a High Holiday, after all. In celebration of Yom Kippur, we all sported red armbands with swastikas on them to remember what can be accomplished.
That was our week! Other than a few liberal agitators stopping by our table in the breezeway, it went off without a hitch. Hopefully, the next Regressive Awareness Week will be just as successful.
Patrick Gibbons can be contacted at email@example.com.