There is much ado recently about athletes who beat their wives, assault children, smoke crack and kill people. I think that, just for fun, we ought to make an example out of one of these athletes. We should, because the media has already made an example of a bitter homemaker in the name of Martha Stewart. So since we cannot prosecute O.J. Simpson or the hooker-screwing and crack-inhaling Ken Caminiti, I think we should go after Jayson Williams.
If you already don’t know, Williams was a basketball pseudo-superstar for the New Jersey Nets. A couple of years ago, he committed a flagrant foul by making an uncontested shot point-blank at a limo driver. The shot cost no money, so it was a free throw. Because of this foul trouble, Williams will have to learn how to rebound from his mistake by signing multi-million-dollar lawyers to long-term contracts. The lawyers will assist Williams, as they will be able to block all the shots from the prosecution. And finally, he will be able to steal the verdict and make the civil-suit playoffs, where he will go out in the first round.
Now, you know that the following paragraph is going to be true. Williams will be able to go out as a free man who will be in debt to the family of the limo driver after the civil suit. This will be yet another example of an athlete being able to get away with whatever he chooses. Why does this happen?
I can understand DUIs and certain kinds of assaults, because these athletes are animals. Their job description requires them to be reckless and almost above the law. They’re superstars who rock the world. And their legal problems are considered to be our entertainment. But killing an innocent victim because of too much scotch is egregious. Whether or not the lawyers can weasel Williams out of foul trouble, I think he should be an example. I have two reasons for this.
First, the gun couldn’t go off by itself like the defense claimed. In fact, many witnesses have already claimed that Williams fired the shot. Jay-Dog is guilty and needs to be locked up, as he will be able to improve the basketball prison games.
Second, the masses will always feel resentful about rich people getting away with everything. If you put an athlete who was not that famous into prison, then everyone will be happy. You won’t hear Bill O’Reilly complaining, and the people on the Left could not say anything because they know he’s guilty.
And this isn’t racist, because we already made an example of a white, upper class, perky homemaker who is known for her role as being a good housewife. Stewart makes cookies, cleans the house, picks her kids up from school, makes little furniture and ornaments and screws people out of millions of dollars. She’s just like any other trophy wife who marries a rich businessman.
Seth Bleicher can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.