That’s it. I’m fed up. I think the last straw flew out the window when I spotted a couple making out on – yes, on – the fountain by Merrick. Yeah, I don’t want to hear it; there are no excuses, you darling, unnamed couple could have found a bench on the far side of campus, could have sought refuge from PDA haters, namely me, in a car or could have taken it to the stacks like any other dorm-dwelling couple.
The acronym PDA no longer stands for Public Display of Affection, but rest assured, this brainy girl has easily conjured up a new meaning for PDA; please, hold your applause: Please Don’t Annoy. Resume verbal use of PDA, but instead feel free to yell it at kissy faces. Example: I see you and significant other swapping significant amounts of spit at Chartwells, and I yell, “PDA me!” and launch my bowl of granola at your booth. No, I was just kidding about the granola – it’s way too precious to me – but I insist, the P in PDA has no place in my vocabulary.
It’s not that I dream of a bleak, gray world where any expression of love is strictly forbidden and punishable by law, because I don’t. I love hand-holding. Everyone should take it upon themselves to find another hand to hold; twirling fingers and sweaty palms can actually be quite reassuring. Ditto for the “I can’t wait to see you after class” lip peck; short, sweet and to-the-point is worth mucho in brownie points. Hugs are excellent, cuddling too, quick butt pats are fun, and, strangely enough, I don’t hold any grievances toward “my hand in your back pocket” syndrome, just as long as it’s done in moderation.
You’re not off the hook yet, my friends: hand-holding in addition to the extended lip peck plus the butt pat that turns into the unrestrained butt pinch added to compulsive amounts of “my hand in your back pocket” syndrome equal a foul.
So why exactly is PDA such a dreadful atrocity? All right, that’s pushing it a bit, but one has to admit that you, an enclosed area and two friends playing tonsil hockey just don’t add up to a pleasurable experience for one out of the three. It’s undeniable that when you’re delegated to play third, fifth or 27th wheel, you might not have as great of a time as everyone else, but it’s plausible that there are couples who not only refrain from excessive amounts of public affection, but also intensely dislike any display of open love; it’s not cool to be the center of attention by making out with a significant other as well as disconcerting to acknowledge friends’ utter annoyance by your behavior.
In other words, PDA me and get a room!
Vanessa Cutler can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.