A modest proposal for the new pro baseball season

With baseball back in business, Boston is yet again crying foul and epitomizing hypocrisy. I suppose this is with good reason, as those pesky (yet beloved) Yanks foiled their chances again…if it weren’t for those meddling kids! Bambino’d Bostonians are not the only cursed ones; the windy city has yet to blow away that damned billy goat. Somehow, amidst all of this, South Florida’s hometown “heroes” snuck off with yet another World Series trophy.

Who is to thank? Is it Pudge? Nah, not him, he’s already in Motown. How about Josh Beckett, then? Can’t be him, either; the only way the Marlins thanked him was with a 12.5 percent pay cut. I’d thank Jack McKeon, but Loria already gave him a shiny new Benz. Who is left, you ask? Steve-o!

No, I’m not talking about the Steve-o who jumped off the third-floor balcony at Gables’ infamous “Red Roof” into the pool and further amazed us with his painfully disgusting antics on MTV, but about our own true hometown hero, Steve Bartman! It was nice of Jeb to offer him athletic asylum in Pompano for three months, but surely, as gracious South Floridians, we owe Steve-o a little more. I propose that the University of Miami offer him an honorary degree. If nothing else, it will give the media something new to discuss for a few days until A-Rod sneezes too close to Jeter or John Henry spouts off another whiny hypocritical oath regarding salary caps.

Now, there’s all this folderol about Blue Jay’s pitcher Justin Miller and his “distracting tattoos.” Evidently, with steroid testing looming, MLB doesn’t want to put the heavy hitters at too much of a disadvantage. After all, with home runs down steadily across the entire league since 2001, we wouldn’t want Barry to get too flustered. Then, there are those cursed Cubbies trying to force nearby rooftop businesses to pay them for the “view” of Wrigley. Currently, there is one holdout, Skybox, who has stated they will “never pay anything.” Evidently, sold-out season tickets aren’t cutting it. Maybe the Cubs should subpoena the names and home addresses of those watching games from rooftops and take them to court. We all know how effective that will be, right?

I know it’s not about affirmative action or elections, but baseball is back! What do y’all think? Oh…and Stevie B, you’re money, baby!

Blake Scanlon can be contacted at blake@miami.edu.