Now that this year’s Student Government elections are behind us, I thought it might be appropriate to give out some awards to the various candidates I competed against for president.
The “Nicest Man on Earth” award goes to Vance Aloupis. Having been involved in a number of political campaigns for elected office over the last decade, it’s very rare to find candidates competing for the same position who are so friendly with each other. Five candidates were all polite and professional, but Vance was by far the nicest. Of all the candidates, he was the only one who said everything I said almost exactly as I said it… which should give you some idea whom I favor in the runoff.
The “Bravest Man” award goes to Joshua Arcurio. I thought he made a lot of good points, but like myself it seems he had little chance of winning. To have stood up anyway deserves a salute, and since he and I had about the same number of people supporting us, let me be the first to do so. But dude – you need to get rid of those birth-control glasses. They just scream “VW Microbus.”
The “Starbucks Coffee Handiest Right-Hand Man” award goes to Billy Bludgus, who ran on the significance of being President Sadowski’s “right-hand” man. I’m not really sure why he claimed the Starbucks Coffee idea was his, but I think it’s a bad idea, whoever came up with it. Seriously, though, I found Billy to be the consummate professional and enjoyed talking with him. I can understand why he’s risen as high as he has.
The “Revolution for No Reason” award goes to Chris Clark. I’m not sure what we were supposed to be revolting from… perhaps bad peppermints. To his credit he ran an honorable campaign and didn’t resort to any mudslinging, in or out of court.
The “Angriest Man in the World” award goes to Don Donelson. He’s really pissed that UM isn’t Harvard! Although he should be arrested for raiding Newt Gingrich’s intellectual wardrobe, I found his platform to be extensive, well thought-out and, most importantly, fresh. His promises were not the standard ones and he made excellent points… although I did see him spit once or twice.
Winning the “Most Indignant Man in the World” award is our very own SG Senate Speaker Carlos Echeverri. Donelson may have been angry, but Carlos was barely able to contain what appeared to be utter contempt that the rest of us had the unmitigated gall to think we measured up to his overwhelmingly nebulous accomplishments. When he retires, maybe he can write a book of his own on how it’s infinitely easier to get elected president when you try to get all your opponents disqualified over nickel and dime, Mickey Mouse bullshit. Of course now he’ll have to add the chapter on how it didn’t work! Ha ha ha ha ha! Coming in third is just as much of a loss as coming in seventh, except it cost him a lot more. And it’s a lot funnier.
The “Most Fun to get Drunk and Party With” award goes to Peter Maki. Everybody parks, everybody wins! Excelsior! Plus he ran an honorable and dignified campaign.
And finally, for me, I get “The Grand Old Man” award, ’cause I’m way older than all of you. What can I say? It’s my awards ceremony.
It was an honor, gentlemen.
Scott Wacholtz can be contacted at email@example.com.